I won’t lie. Grace has given us a run for our money in terms of behavior. In stressful situations, people tend to flee, fight, or freeze. Grace is a fighter. As a kid from a hard place, she is constantly in a state of high alert and very high stress so she is fighting the majority of the time.
While living with her is challenging to say the least, she is an endearing, fun, amazing strong girl when she feels secure. Our agency recently asked our kids to create some materials that would help other older kids prepare to be adopted. Grace recently consented to have the following conversations recorded so they could help other children.
She was extremely nervous so the prompts were not meant to manipulate the answers or conversation but rather jog her memory so all of the things we’d talked about could get on the recording.
I think the biggest lesson learned for me from this conversation was how much we take our kids’ security for granted. Apparently, Grace lives in a constant state of fear that she will have to leave. There is no sense of permanency no matter how many people have told her we are her “forever” family. I was also pleasantly surprised to hear that she had at least partially internalized why we make individual decisions for each child.
<transcript begin>
What are some hard things about being in a family?
It be in a family is hard. Before you never met them and when you met them. Being in a family the hardest thing you don’t know them a lot like you used to. You know your friend like your. Before when you were in Ethiopia, you live with somebody but they are new to you and they are your family and they stay forever with you. And so when you are used to them, you are not going to…
Is it hard to trust a new family?
Yes.
You’re not sure if they are going to be nice or mean?
Umm. I thought they would be not nice.
Did you know you were going to stay forever at a family or did you think maybe they would go away, too, sometimes?
Yeah. I thought they would go away sometimes like forever like my mother and father do or any other people.
Did you think you would not be treated the same as biological children or other children in the family?
Yes, because sometimes when I see when they do something different for them and for me that stuff new I felt like that because. When my mom tell me and when my mom do like that and when I ask them, I thought they not treating everybody fairly. And when they say, “I am doing for everybody best.” Like because if they let for somebody to stay home, like my brother, and he been with them like 10 year, but they don’t know me a lot so if they say for me, “No,” it doesn’t mean they don’t love me because they will let me stay at home some day when I used to them when I stay for like 6 year and when they trust me. Not because they not trust me and not because they don’t love me, but because they know the best for me. So I am new for this state and I don’t know what is good. It’s not like Ethiopia. For example in Ethiopia, many kids can play on the road. They can do whatever they want. They can stay home and do other stuff. But America is different a lot because like in America many things is different. Like your family different than Ethiopia. You’re not to stay by yourself like that thing.
So America is a little bit different, right? Yes. And we don’t treat everyone the same. We treat them the way that is best for them. But just because we treat you differently doesn’t mean we love you differently, right? Yes.
<transcript end>
We’re hoping to record more and also get Kayla involved. What topics would you like to see covered?
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Thank you for sharing the hard things and for being honest. I am learning about how the paperwork and the waiting and the airport arrival are just the very beginning. And I also think that people are very fearful of adopting older children but it is obvious they need the love of a family as well. I wish I could think of something profound to ask Grace and Kayla!