how UNCONDITIONAL should LOVE be?

unconditional love older child teen adoption

I’m currently in a mental battle that has been going on for the better part of a year.

“How unconditional should love really be?”

Or maybe the better question, “Does unconditional love equal unconditional relationship on the other person’s terms?”
I’m hoping not.

What if that person is a child of yours? Still hoping not.

For now, I’m going to start writing weekly letters. It’s something that I’m already doing with another one of the kids and Jay (the aged out foster youth who we tried to help but ended up in jail).

Letters feels safest. Ok, safest would actually be forgetting the relationship ever existed.

safest would be forgetting the relationship ever existed, but...#olderchildadoption #adoptionishard Click To Tweet

But letter writing feels safest while still believing that God has my back and will redeem this relationship in His time. They allow me to connect in a consistent, rhythmical way that protects me from an altered reality that’s meant to, in a reactive attachment kind of way, harm the mother figure in her life.

I know that what “feels” isn’t always the best way to make a decision, but I’m so bruised and tattered by this journey of loving people from hurt places. Hence the mental battle. Raw honesty? I need to pray more about it.

But I’m also hurt which is pairing up with my human need to be right…which of course I am 😉

Here’s to more prayer and more faith. In the meantime, I’ll add another person to my weekly letter writing ritual.

Posted in Adoption and Orphan Care, Life and tagged , , , .

6 Comments

  1. I get what you mean, friend…the needing to pray and the needing to find ways to connect that don’t destroy me.

    Over the past few years I’ve noticed that what’s damaging for me is damaging for all of us because living with a mom who is constantly being driven out-of-her mind isn’t pleasant (and doesn’t help with trust or relationship building).

    It sounds like you’re doing something wonderful- letters can be read on the other person’s terms. A child could choose to collect them for years and still be comforted by the consistency of receiving them.

    Hugs to you, Melissa! Your idea sounds brilliant to me.

  2. To me, unconditional love means loving a person despite their faults while also staring true to you, your beliefs, and safety. Faults, being a subjective term, can mean many things. For me, it means our poor decisions, hard/harsh character traits, an my sometimes ugly prior life experiences. You saw a good person in Jay. He got arrested, and that hurts your ego. It hurts your ego because you want to believe you have him all of your love to help teach him how to abide by the law and that your role model should have been enough. I experienced this a lot as a teacher. I will tell you that those things aren’t enough. So many factors play into why he got arrested. But I would feel that it is now my job to love him harder and show him there is still a family and community that is there for him when/if he is released.

  3. I’ve been thinking for awhile that writing my tween might be helpful. Just haven’t had the courage to start because I’m pretty sure at some point my words will be ripped up, scribbled hatefully on or used against me at some point. Might have to chat with you more about that but yes, more prayer is a good idea too.

    • Isn’t it crazy how it hurts so much that even a letter feels like an epic struggle? I’m happy to chat, too. You know how to find me 😉

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