Handling Defiance in Children

I hear from a lot of parents that they’re beyond frustrated at daily defiance. It might be tying shoes, personal hygiene, homework, or some other chore.

I don’t know about you, but if I assume my child is willfully disobeying me, I head to my downstairs brain where emotions…not logic…rule and I want to retaliate by doling out a punishment that might sound like, “You have to the count of 3 to get your shoes on…otherwise no screen time for the rest of the month!” This inevitably sends my child to his downstairs brain and an all-out war ensues.

Please tell me, we’re not the only family where a simple request can devolve so quickly?

parenting defiant children

Photo by Daniel Garcia on Unsplash

Ok, so what’s the connected way to handle this? It’s important to remember that behavior is communication…it may be a maladaptive form of communication, but it is communication nonetheless. We do better when I assume a refusal to do something is a CAN’T (not a WON’T), and that my child needs an extra tool or some help to complete the task at hand.

Remember that behavior is communication...when handling defiance. #pblogger Click To Tweet

The first step is always to make sure you’re calm and your child is calm. Otherwise what I’m about to lay out will land on deaf ears.

Next narrate what you’re seeing and give the behavior words, “Your behavior is showing me that you might need help doing x,y, or z…I’d be glad to help you, but I need you to use words first.”

Depending on how far along you are at training your child to respond to connected prompts, you may need to model a sentence for your child to repeat.

“Mom, will you please help me tie my shoes?”

The key that makes connected parenting harder is that especially for more fragile kiddos or kids who are new to this sequence of events, you have to give a cheerful “yes” to such a respectful ask for help each time. Even if you’d rather throw the shoes at your child instead of helping him put them on. Eventually you’ll get to a place where you can compliment your child for asking so nicely, but stay firm in your request.

The next question that inevitably comes up is that parents push back that their kid ties his shoes EVERY other day of the week. Sigh. I know. My linear, logic brain whole heartedly agrees with you. However, I was struck a couple years ago while lying on the sofa and pressing the EASY dinner button (aka, carryout) that some days I just CAN’T cook dinner. I’m at my end. I haven’t lost my ability as much as circumstances just make it impossible some days. And as an adult, I have those EASY buttons I can push. And no one blinks. No one stands over me and lectures me about how I just cooked dinner yesterday, or that I need to start being better prepared for the real world. The truth is that in the real world there are plenty of people who are willing to help if you ask with respect.  So the best life skill we can give our kids is the ability to voice their needs with respect instead of throwing a fit when they need help. And to help them learn that, we have to be willing to be the person in their lives that chops out a new neuropathway that their voice matters and they can trust and depend on other people.  We do NOT need to make sure they are completely independent. In fact, I’d argue that the independence and individualist mindset has actually hurt our society.

In the real world there are plenty of people who are willing to help if you ask with respect. #truth Click To Tweet

So next time you’re tempted to assume your child is just being willfully disobedient and downright defiant, give him the benefit of the doubt (maybe he’s wrestling with an unspoken anxiety or is hungry and tired), and offer to help him out.

If you’d like some day-to-day support and encouragement or just a place to ask questions about how the heck this whole trust-based parenting thing works, join us on FB at Essentially Connected Parenting.

I also post parenting truths on Instagram which is where they tell me all the “cool” people hang out 😉

Posted in Adoption and Orphan Care, Parenting.