While living with her is challenging to say the least, she is an endearing, fun, amazing strong girl when she feels secure.  Our agency recently asked our kids to create some materials that would help other older kids prepare to be adopted.  Grace recently consented to have the following conversations recorded so they could help other children.

Grace_English

Grace_Amharic_1

Grace_Amharic_2

Grace_Amharic_3

She was extremely nervous so the prompts were not meant to manipulate the answers or conversation but rather jog her memory so all of the things we’d talked about could get on the recording.

I think the biggest lesson learned for me from this conversation was how much we take our kids’ security for granted.  Apparently, Grace lives in a constant state of fear that she will have to leave.  There is no sense of permanency no matter how many people have told her we are her “forever” family.  I was also pleasantly surprised to hear that she had at least partially internalized why we make individual decisions for each child.

<transcript begin>

What are some hard things about being in a family?

It be in a family is hard. Before you never met them and when you met them. Being in a family the hardest thing you don’t know them a lot like you used to. You know your friend like your. Before when you were in Ethiopia, you live with somebody but they are new to you and they are your family and they stay forever with you. And so when you are used to them, you are not going to…

Is it hard to trust a new family?

Yes.

You’re not sure if they are going to be nice or mean?

Umm. I thought they would be not nice.

Did you know you were going to stay forever at a family or did you think maybe they would go away, too, sometimes?

Yeah. I thought they would go away sometimes like forever like my mother and father do or any other people.

Did you think you would not be treated the same as biological children or other children in the family?

Yes, because sometimes when I see when they do something different for them and for me that stuff new I felt like that because. When my mom tell me and when my mom do like that and when I ask them, I thought they not treating everybody fairly. And when they say, “I am doing for everybody best.” Like because if they let for somebody to stay home, like my brother, and he been with them like 10 year, but they don’t know me a lot so if they say for me, “No,” it doesn’t mean they don’t love me because they will let me stay at home some day when I used to them when I stay for like 6 year and when they trust me. Not because they not trust me and not because they don’t love me, but because they know the best for me. So I am new for this state and I don’t know what is good. It’s not like Ethiopia. For example in Ethiopia, many kids can play on the road. They can do whatever they want. They can stay home and do other stuff. But America is different a lot because like in America many things is different. Like your family different than Ethiopia. You’re not to stay by yourself like that thing.

So America is a little bit different, right? Yes. And we don’t treat everyone the same. We treat them the way that is best for them. But just because we treat you differently doesn’t mean we love you differently, right? Yes.

<transcript end>

We’re hoping to record more and also get Kayla involved.  What topics would you like to see covered?

³“The chief priests accused him of many things. ⁴ So again Pilate asked him, “Aren’t you going to answer? See how many things they are accusing you of.” ⁵ But Jesus still made no reply, and Pilate was amazed.”–Mark 5:3-5

In periods of deregulation, our kids get verbally abusive.  My instinct is to deregulate as well…and I’m a fighter (not a fleer or a freezer).  Inevitably, this only escalates the situation which ironically sends us spinning downhill fast.  Next time your child deregulates, try just weathering the storm as Jesus did.  Stick by your child but suffer silently.

^{34 “}Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.'” –Luke 23:34a

If you’ve never seen a person enter survival mode, you may not believe this, but the behavior exhibited during an episode is sometimes not remembered once that person is able to re-regulate.  When a child is in fight-flight-freeze, they really do not know what they are doing.  It’s like Jekyll and Hyde.

²³ Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. ²⁴ For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. –Luke 9: 23-24

The hardest thing about trust-based parenting is that it often requires the parent to change before healing can be facilitated in the child.  We too often see the child as the problem to fix especially if there are behavior problems.  However, we’ve found that if we’re really honest with ourselves, how we react to our children (and their behavior) dramatically affects the outcome.  Remember, we’re the big people.  Success in trust-based parenting has required me to die to myself. I’ve had to bury my emotional baggage so I can suffer silently without my pride causing me to fight back and forgive wrong and wrong done to me.  My time is also not my own.  It’s given to my kids who need to witness someone sticking with them through the storm…even if it takes hours.

So next time you think you can’t do it any longer, come to the cross.  The One who suffered silently for you understands, and He has the power to restore your strength.

Ironically, life is hard right now because John, Kayla, and Grace are grappling with the concept that life IS hard.

It requires hard work.

It requires us to do things we don’t necessarily want to do.

Our pastor recently quoted a football coach as saying his job was

making people do things they don’t want to do so they can do what they have always wanted.

This seems to be the mantra of our life lately.

There seems to be a general concensus among our oldest three that hard things are categorically bad and not wanting to do something is grounds for actually not doing it.  In many ways, this paradigm is from less than idea family situations, but a lot of it is par for the course in their culture.  There is a huge disconnect between what they want and how hard they are willing to work for it.

They are each boundary testing in their own way.  I’m exhausted.

The good news is that life is still good.  Exhausted is okay for now.  We see foward steps even amidst the backwards ones.  We are having to live out what we preach on how to handle adversity.

God has been faithful to grant us what we need.  The lessons in faith we are learning cannot be learned in books, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

This was The Bad.  I probably should have warned them ahead of time…like at breakfast.

That’s how it started.  We have this weird lag while I make lunch, and I thought it would be a great time to fit in the girls’ movement.

“I don’t wanna.”

This was where I made my first mistake.

“I don’t care what you want.  I know what’s best for you.  Please go get your running shoes.”

I should have said, “You may choose to run now, before lunch, or after you finish school before you watch your movie.”

What ensued next was The Ugly as I dug in my heels and forced the issue.

Enter mistakes #2-#102.

She got Ugly to people around her, too…unprovoked.  She refused to respond to simple questions.

Two hours later, we were still at a stand off.  In the meantime, she did and said somethings that made me realize she could not be trusted without direct supervision.

Until she was ready to comply with a re-do to practice responding with respect to me, I required that she remain within arms reach of me.  She sat on my lap while I did spelling lessons, followed me downstairs to do laundry, and sat at the table while I prepared this week’s student ministry lesson.

By God’s grace, I was able to do this all without escalating the situation.  God even provided enough compassion for a couple hugs and backrubs.

An exhausting 90 minutes later, she was finally ready.  That may be the longest time-in on record for our family.

“Let’s get our shoes on together.  We’ll finish our running together.”

Almost 5 hours after the initial request, mission accomplished!

That was The Good.

Straight out definace has been an issue lately.  Old habits die hard so we’ve fought it in our traditional, logical way.  You’d think we learn, but we constantly need reminders.  I’m brushing up on my trust-based parenting techniques, breathing deeply, and praying madly.  If today (and the last week) are any indication, we’re buckling down for long journey.  Of course, we knew this when we signed up to bring home 3 teenages but it’s different when the rubber meets the road.

So how is everything going?

I normally answer that we’re doing really well.  And we are.

On one hand, in the grand scheme of adjustments and the fact we doubled the amount of kids in our family in 2 months, we are doing really well.

On the other hand, we doubled the amount of kids in our family by adding 3 teenagers who are survivors of incredible trauma, experiencing culture shock, and have limited English.  The truth of the matter is that this journey comes with challenges…hard ones.

While we still have many great moments, we are experiencing the challenges of settling in, navigating relationship dynamics, and teaching what in means to live in a family.  There’s nothing better to expose how much we take for granted than to live with people who come from an entirely different paradigm.

If you are so inclined, please surround us in prayer.  Pray that Patrick and I would have the wisdom and energy to handle our challenges well.  Pray that necessary changes would happen from a heart level and there would be enough humility all around.

Thanks, friends.

Grace couldn’t look while Patrick tried a spicy pepper stuffed with salsa. She didn’t believe he like foods that spicy.

Tomorrow we wrap up some loose ends with AWAA and go to our appointment at the Embassy.

We don’t call them adoption adventures for nothing. We left the house a little later than we planned. After 2 cups of coffee, Patrick was desperate for a pit stop before we got to the airport. Traffic was worse than anticipated so we couldn’t really afford to stop but when nature calls…

The easiest access stop off the highway happened to be a local hospital. Who needs rest areas? When Patrick pulled out of the hospital, the traffic we were pulling into suddenly stopped causing him to not take the turn tight enough. He misjudged a little and we ran aground on the curb. Not a big deal unless you drive a little, low-to-the-ground coupe. Turns out he dislodged the front mud flap. We had to pull over twice on the way to the airport to try to fix it. Meanwhile, the minutes were counting down. Then there was a fender bender in the lane next to us and the car almost hit us trying to avoid the suddenly stopped car in front of him.

Needless to say our blood pressure was pretty high by the time we finally got checked in. Fortunately, we had an empty seat next to us which allowed us to spread out during our flight to Dubai and get some good, solid sleep.

In mid-September we heard we might get submitted anytime.

Then came October.  No submission.  By this time, we were getting antsy.  We heard they were waiting on a government-issued document rather than a church-issued one.  If you know anything about Ethiopian government, you know this was not encouraging news to receive.

In the back of my mind, I keep reminding myself that God has the timing under control.

Enter October 10th.  We received an early morning email that our case had been received by the Embassy.
Next we received another email stating they were already examining her orphan status–an email that usually takes 72 hours to come.

Fast forward an hour later as we’re heading to a field trip.  My phone rings and our travel coordinator is saying, “Congratulations! You’re cleared!”

Humorously, this is not the first time I’ve heard these words from an agency and doubted them.

Apparently as we walked out the door, we received a last email clearing our case.

Submission. Reviewed. Cleared.  In under 4 hours.  I think we set a record.

Remember, that timing thing? Boy, have we seen God in the details this time.

1.  Our travel falls during a scheduled break for our CC community which means we won’t have any school to make up when we return.

2.  PJ’s team, that Patrick coaches, happens to have a bye next Saturday.

3.  John’s soccer season will be over by the time we return which will allow us some much needed breathing room in our schedule as we re-adjust to another major change in family dynamic.

4.  Because we will travel a month later than anticipated, Patrick’s parents will be available to come stay with the kids.

5.  Grace’s arrival date will allow us to combine our 3-month post-adopt visit for John and Kayla with a special 1-month post-adopt visit for Grace mandated by our agency.  This will save us a lot of time and money.

6.  I will not have to cancel any of the 3 photo sessions I tentatively scheduled before I knew exactly when we’d travel.

7.  The clincher…Patrick’s settlement for a car accident he was in a year ago (and that we’ve been fighting to get for a year) suddenly materialized today at a sum much higher than expected.

Phew! I’m glad He’s on those details.

Patrick and I leave Tuesday for our third trip to Ethiopia in 6 months.  Prayers for our travels, our kids, and our adjustment are greatly appreciated.

In case you missed it last time, here are some homecoming guidelines.

I hate when a language gap the size of the Grand Canyon is between meeting my kids’ needs and me.  I love that so many things in this life transcend language.

I love when they tell stories from their past that tell about what they love and who they are.  For example, our son used to own a small flock of homing pigeons.  I hate when they tell stories of their past that drip of anguish and pain no person let alone child should ever experience.

I love the diversity and culture in our family.  It is helping to shape our kids into compassionate, sensitive, and adventurous kids who handle race issues better than most adults we encounter.  I hate that we have a cross cultural family because our kids’ birth countries weren’t equipped to care for them.  I hate that their culture slips away a little more each day unless we play an active role in re-capturing it every day.

I hate that we have kids who have suffered emotional trauma which forever and completely changes their perception of the world.  I love that we’ve been stretched where parenting is concerned.  We’re so much the wiser for our troubles and have been able to use our experience to come along other families as they adventure through adoption.

I love watching them experience new things with the wonder of a toddler but hate thinking about how much they’ve missed.

I love hearing them chatter as they catch up with friends using the latest video chat technology.  I hate that video chat is the best we can do socially right now because social situations will be the last and most difficult thing to overcome.

I love that every time we adopt our diet expands.  I hate that food is can be so alienating.  Thank goodness for berbere!

So goes our adoption adventure right now.

First kid to reach double digit push ups (unassissted).

First time milking a goat (or any animal for that matter).

First donuts…hot out of the oil.

First encounter of animal exploitation …I mean sea lion show.

First X Games experience.

First up close encounter with a horse.

First parade (and a Mardi Gras one at that).

First rides.

Before.

During.

After.

PJ and Mia had fun watching the big kids’ firsts, too