How do you spend your time before your adopted kids are fluent in English?  It seems like I could handle that for a couple hours a day, but all the time would be very taxing.

When adopting older kids, families largest anxiety often revolves around language barrier.  Ironically, in many ways, this will be the least of your worries. If you are bringing home kids under the age of around 12, their brains are still developmentally acquiring language.  This means they will learn the spoken language by just being immersed in it.  Unfortunately, it also means they will lose their first language rather rapidly.  These kids will benefit immensely from having really good literature read aloud to them and just participating in every day conversation.  For kids older than 12, language needs to be learned and acquisition is much slower.  At 9 months home, our kids still struggle with language.  It doesn’t matter how often I have them correct their sentences to include prepositions and article adjectives, they still ask, “May I have sandwich?”  EVERYDAY and EVERDAY I have them re-say it with an “a.”  Our situation is also a bit out of the ordinary because our kids have each other to speak Amharic to daily.  All that to say, our kids had plenty of English to get their basic needs met.  The language barrier is a bigger problem when it comes to exploring feelings and finding healing.

I think I diverge a bit.  For pre-lingual or non-verbal activities, try simple board games, audio book/CD pairs, physical activities (i.e., bikes, jump rope, walks, playgrounds, swimming, etc.), or just having them mimic every day routines like brushing teeth, showering, cooking, and cleaning.  I think you will be surprised how much transcends language barriers.

I apologize that the answers to your fab questions have rolled out quite as quickly as I imagined.  Thanks for your patience.

Our son is almost 5 and in thinking about adopting again, it seems likely that another child would be older. Our social worker cautioned us against adopting out of “birth” order. I’d love to hear of your experience and opinion.

Birth order is a hot topic in the adoption world.  Whenever a child is introduced to a family, the birth order is altered.  With a traditional, biological family, the baby is always the child displaced.  However, in adoptive families, children can also be adopted into the middle of the birth order or so that the oldest is displaced.

When we adopted Ty, we wanted to adopt a waiting child but we also felt strongly about preserving PJ as our oldest because of his alpha male tendencies.  By the time we were filling out our application to adopt from Ethiopia, we felt God calling us to be open to anything.  We discussed at length with PJ about being displaced as oldest.  He agreed he wanted to be open to what God had for our family.  Because we have been actively involved with high school ministry, the kids weren’t strangers to teens and were excited about the possibility of having some come live with us.

The interesting thing is that John, Kayla, and Grace have more trouble with the birth order than PJ.  He has a lot of privileges (and responsibilities) that the older three haven’t earned yet.  Additionally, he’s still academically ahead of them.  All three older kids have really struggled with not being treated just like him.  Basically it’s REALLY HARD to be 12 to 15 physically and 2 to 4 emotionally.

We are blessed that God sent us an older boy who is the polar opposite of PJ which lets PJ retain his alpha male status.  Grace, however, has a strong, fighter personality which as collided with PJ on multiple occasions.  I’m not sure how normal this is in large families but on any given day there is probably one pair of siblings who are at odds with each other.

I would love to known some tips for getting your young children ready for the adoption of an older child. We adopted Taylor through domestic infant adoption 4 years ago, she is 4. Now in 1 month we will be bringing home Ruth who is 7 from Haiti(well we leave on May 29 for the first 2-4 day trip and the 2nd one when we bring her home is scheduled for June 29).

Expectations.  A lot of adoption struggles are rooted in false or failed expectations.  With your girls being so close in age, it is possible they will act closer in age than expected.  I would also be prepared to explain to Taylor in age-appropriate language how much Ruth will need you and why.  Be sure to explain that amount of time spent with you does NOT correlate to how much you love on or the other.  Help both girls daily identify ways you have made them feel loved and accepted.  Encourage Taylor to have a servant attitude toward Ruth.  It is likely her acts of kindness will be under-appreciated or even met with unkindness so make sure she’s prepared for that too.  We’ll be praying for your family as your prepare for your second trip.  Keep us updated!

Any other thoughts and opinions on adopting out of birth order?

Hi Melissa,  I have been trying really hard to use the connected child principles with our new kids.  I have also been watching the videos but have only gone through a handful.  I am personally having bonding issues with my children which often creates a bad cycle of misbehavior for my kids and anger for me.  Anyway, I have been trying to do “level of responses” (1) Whoa Nellie, do you want to try it again with respect? 2)  two choices  3) think it over spot.   One of my issues our 7 year old daughter throws a fit.  To keep her with me when I am trying to teach school does not work.  However, leaving her up in her room is not recommended.  Should I stop everthing with my other kids and focus on her?  Most of the time she seems to be trying to get attention.  The other question is what do we do with willfull disobedience.  When they hear and understand you but they choose to disobey (often with no remorse)?  Are their other consequences that are recommended?  We are also having trouble with lying and I am not sure what consequences I should give for that.  It seems like the 3 level of responses do not work but I suppose it takes time.  I guess that was 3 questions:)  I understand why you become a trainer.  I need to study this to understand it.

First, let me applaud you for recognizing and admitting that emotional connection to your kids from hard places is lacking.  I wish more people would talk about that.  It’s more common than folks care to admit, and it DOES NOT make you a bad mom and should not make you doubt your calling or ability.  However, while you “fake it before you make it,” trust-based based parenting can be even harder than it already is.  Find ways daily to renew your compassion for your kids.  Remember how determined you felt when you first read their stories?

On fits.  I know it’s really inconvenient but I get the kids busy with something independent and spend the time with the tantruming/dysregulated kid until their re-regulated.  They may not show it right away but they are mentally logging your willingness to meet their needs.  To avoid tantrums, work on identifying triggers and giving your child the words to identify her needs rather than using maladaptive stratgegies like tantrums.  She may also need a predictable schedule of mom-one-on-one time.  Maybe the first 5 minutes of every hour.

On willful disobedience.  It’s often code for, “Will you still love me if I’m not perfect?” or it’s manipulative because she know it makes you dysregulated.  The best thing is to keep having her do redos for quick obedience.  Be sure to recognize quick obedience when it does happen. It’s easy to only notice the disobedience.

I like the way Adopting.org explain lying, stealing, and hoarding…

Lying or Stealing and Hoarding – Lying is a way of saying, “You can’t know me. I’m not going to tell you the truth about who I am because if I do, I’ve let you in. I will live in a world I can control because I’m the one in charge of what’s true and false.” Children will even lie about crazy things … like denying they took a whole roll of toilet paper and attempted to flush it down the toilet when the evidence is right there.

Stealing comes from a child’s belief that no one can meet his needs but him. It takes trust and vulnerability to ask for what he wants and needs from his adoptive parents. Instead, an adopted child may simply take it. Stealing can be a behavior that also satisfies a child’s desperate need for control over others.

Hoarding is a related behavior. Having lost their most important connection once, adopted children may respond by hiding stashes of candy, food or other objects they think will keep them safe. Older adopted children may also remember losing all their “stuff” when they were placed in an orphanage or foster home. With those losses in mind, they can obsessively cling to their new possessions like little misers. Hoarding also gives them a feeling of power and control – the bag of candy or box of food they’ve hidden is something the world can’t take away.

Again, rather than consequences such as removing privileges, focus on healing the underlying cause.

Any other thoughts out there?

We are adopting out of birth order, 2 older kids from Latvia.  We have 2 other children (who also were adopted (but as infant & toddler).  Did you wait a few months after the older kids were home before you officially started homeschooling and just use that first few months for attachment building and language immersion?  Ours will be 9 & 10 when they get home (hopefully).

We actually jumped in with schooling almost right away.  John and Kayla came home at the end of August and they were ready to start school when I would normally start the other kids.  Because our kids were so much older and used to a lot of structure in their day, school gave us something to bond over. In hindsight, we were blessed with a honeymoon period where they would do anything we asked willingly.  However, as reality collided with expectations, life started getting ugly.  This winter and spring, I spent as many as 15 hours sitting with raging or dysregulated children.  There were many days that little or no school happened because I was not available to facilitate it.  I am thankful for what we did accomplish during our honeymoon.  All that to say, hold schooling loosely.  Do what you can and know that the most important lessons to be taught are how to live in a family.  While we didn’t do much by academic standards this year, the kids were learning so many other life lessons.  Even the kids who were already in our house learned a lot as they were sanctified and stretched by having to integrate 3 new (and sometimes hard-to-love) kids into our family.

If you do start school right away, I would keep it easy.  I way over estimated my kids and they were quickly disheartened.  We’ve now had to move to a system where school happens in timed increments (rather than quantity of work).  Whatever gets done, gets done and whatever doesn’t, waits.  I also make corrections optional now but they keep receiving similar work until I see improvement or mastery.  This perceived control over their work has made them much more willing to do school and even correct it.

How do you homeschool six kids?

Not very well this year.  I had the equivalent of a preschooler, 2 kindergartners, 2 second graders, and a fourth grader.  Three of the kids needed me almost constantly and only one was mostly independent.  I struggled all year with trying to make everyone feel like their needs were being met and trying to adjust my expectations of everyone so they all didn’t hate me.  Our new system (only a couple weeks old) is that each child (minus my youngest and 4th grader) has a binder full of work divided by subject.  They are allowed to work in any subject during school hours as long as they work through that subject in order skipping only parts they don’t understand.  Having a plethora of work allows them to always have something to move to so they don’t have to bother me if they get stuck.  I work with our youngest for about 10 minutes, then dismiss him to play.  Then I set a timer and work with each child for about 15 minutes.  I answer as many questions as I can during that time and then move on.  We do this cycle until I deem a break or the end of school for that day.  Once CC starts again in the fall, we’ll tweak this a bit to include group memory work review and some other activities.  I am also blessed to have one child who is almost completely independent.  You can read how he’s doing his work these days here.

We adopted three children – totally out of order. The youngest first, the middle in the middle and the oldest most recently. The oldest and the youngest are (for right now) about the same age emotionally – and most of our struggles between them are a result of the “alpha/oldest/knows the most issue. What to do???

We have huge competition issues.  Most of ours are a result of our alpha male being younger than three of the kids.  Ironically our biggest issues are our big kids resenting their little alpha brother.

First, understand that for kids from hard places being right is equivalent to one’s self-worth.  When untangling who is correct, if you dare go down that trap-filled path, be sure to reassure both parties that they are loved and valued.  During non-heated times, be sure spend time pointing out positive characteristics or actions of each of your kids and encourage them to encourage each other.  We used to play a game every morning where each child drew a sibling’s name from a basket and had to say something they loved or appreciated about that person.

On a practical level, when an argument ensues, help your kids practice how to end an argument rather than engaging.  I tell my kids they may say, “That’s interesting but …”  The other party may say, “Okay” and walk away.  I also find myself saying “If you’re not saying <insert something positive>, then I should not hear your voice.”  It’s a slight twist on the “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”  A lot of my kids don’t have a lot of practice saying nice things so I have to give a positive alternative.

For example, my alpha child has a habit of correcting our non-native speaking children’s English.  If I hear it, I say, “If you’re not saying ‘That was a great sentence,’ then I should not hear your voice.”

Any other tidbits of advice for those of us with strong alphas in the house?

We just returned from almost a week on the road. We’re trying to find our groove again now that we’re back and CC is over. I have a lot floating around in my head but not enough energy to create meaningful posts, so I thought I’d give you a turn. For the next couple days, I’ll collect all the questions you’ve ever wanted to ask an adult adoptee, adoptive parent, and/or family who has adopted older children out of birth order. Next week, you’ll get raw and honest answers.

Ready, set, go!

To read the answers to the questions below, click here.