We had a youth (we’ll call him Jay), who aged out of an inner city foster care system, live with us for the better part of the last year. When we started this journey (even after taking in three older children through adoption), we didn’t even know what we didn’t know. Because this also happened during a season of intense crisis for our family, it’s taken me a while to process our time and all the lessons learned let alone get to the blog about them. I was going to make it one post but decided it was better taken in small bites.
If you ever want to challenge your paradigm, try inviting someone completely outside of your “normal” to live with your family.
Lesson #2: Never Underestimate Loyalty
The sense of loyalty to both family and culture is strong.
Remember that scene in The Blind Side where Michael goes looking for his mother? When you contrast what his mother offered materialistically versus what the Tuohy family had, this may seem counterintuitive. Michael’s mom talks about it in this scene.
But one thing Jay taught our family is not to underestimate the culture of loyalty that is a strong part of inner city, Black culture. This may seem like a minor lesson until you contemplate how an individual would be viewed or feel for “rising above.” Jay had almost endless opportunities, presented in a dozen different paths, with unlikely 5th, 6th, 7th…30th…129th chances, but the pull back to his ‘hood (even when he’d tell you he didn’t really have anyone or anything there) was strong.
(We’ll save how the effects of trauma played in for another lesson).
While we never discussed it directly, we got the feeling from different peeks into his world that there was a sense of abandonment and guilt associated with being the guy who got a break to rise above the expectations that dealing was an acceptable income and one was lucky to be alive past 20.
I’m struggling with survivor’s guilt about the season of life we’re in, so I get it. Those emotions are strong and can really cloud your better judgment and distort reality.
We also saw the destructive power of deep-seeded family loyalty when it’s broken. According to Jay, loyalty is supposed to trump everything—even laws and legalities. And when it doesn’t, the trauma it leaves in its wake is palpable. Never underestimate the emotions of a hurt person who feels like he’s lived through the cruelest betrayal possible.
When I consider this power that loyalty has, it helps be better understand how youth like Jay seem to stuck.
[bctt tweet=”Never underestimate loyalty. #fostercare #citymeetscounty” username=”corkboardblog”]
To read the rest of this series, click here.
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We had a youth (we’ll call him Jay), who aged out of an inner city foster care system, live with us for the better part of the last year. When we started this journey (even after taking in three older children through adoption), we didn’t even know what we didn’t know. Because this also happened during a season of intense crisis for our family, it’s taken me a while to process our time and all the lessons learned let alone get to the blog about them. I was going to make it one post but decided it was better taken in small bites.
If you ever want to challenge your paradigm, try inviting someone completely outside of your “normal” to live with your family.
Lesson #1: Common sense isn’t so common.
It may seem like common sense that loud music shouldn’t be played at 3AM, but not so if you grew up in a neighborhood that never sleeps.
“Appropriate” dress and/or behavior is different for kids who grew up in the inner city and whose role models are all professional athletes and rap artists (both who speak, act, and dress like them AND make a lot of money justifying the language, behavior, and fashion that may seem “inappropriate” to some). Wearing pants above your waist to get and/or keep a job is REALLY not common sense to some people.
I’ve heard that “responsible” means you protect yourself and “honorable” is you don’t break up afterward.
Media restrictions are baffling to a person who never had any and thinks he turned out just fine. That means that turning off an R-rated horror flick when there’s a small child in the room is also NOT common sense.
Holding down a job on the right side of the law seems like a lot of work for not a lot of money when dealing pot is easier, incredibly lucrative, and rarely on the radar of local law enforcement. It may actually be common sense to choose to be a dealer when you grow up.
Lastly, I would’ve guessed in a city as large as ours that there would be help and services (i.e., provide education, trade training, job placement, housing, etc.) for young adults in Jay’s situation. However, the few non-profits we tried to access were grossly understaffed and non-responsive, not trauma-informed, restrictive on who they accepted (like you couldn’t have a record or needed a GED or they only helped youth under 21), and generally not helpful because they couldn’t provide the level of relationship really needed to rehabilitate an individual with the history and challenges Jay faces.
Oops. Almost climbed on another soap box. That’s another lesson for another day.
[bctt tweet=”Just remember, common sense isn’t so common #fostercare #atriskyouth”]
What are some things you’ve discovered in whatever season of life you’re in that are actually NOT common sense?
To read the rest of this series, click here.
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