Or maybe you asked what he needed, and he told you to go to hell?

Having a list of trust-based parenting tools is great unless you choose to use them when they’re not effective. With kids from hard places, there is a specific set of tools you want to access when your child is triggered and in survival mode. The rest are not effective unless you have met his primal need and regained access to your child’s logic or thinking brain.

Here’s a breakdown of which tools to use when.

In the “moment,” when your child cannot be reasoned with or is in the throws of a meltdown,

• Regulate your emotional state. This is the first priority. If you don’t do this, you won’t be able to process anything else that follows on this list.
• Meet your child’s energy level. Nervous systems want to come into sync with those around them. However, if you are regulated at low energy, and your child is dysregulated at high energy, it is too big of a gap to bridge. Try being regulated at high energy.
• Embrace the privilege of saying, “Yes!” This goes almost against every parenting intuition, but saying “yes” to something you normally wouldn’t say “yes” to can stop a meltdown in it’s tracks. Be sure to get some words and respect before giving the “yes.” You can offer by saying something like, “I know you’re really upset. I would love to get you some ice cream right now <<or insert other special treat>> but I need you to ask first with good words and eyes.” Remember to keep the bar low.
• Respond to fear with connection. All the behaviors we hate are almost always driven by fear. Try validating the fear behind the behavior and entering into your child’s world in order to guide him back to felt safety.
• Take play seriously. If our kids are expecting us to get angry or get drawn into their manipulation and we offer play, sometimes they can’t help but come along.
• Practice Total Voice Control (Tone, Volume, Cadence). Whatever you do, be mindful of how you sound. Your voice alone can diffuse or escalate a situation.
• Focus on nonverbal communication. Watch for clues that your child is giving about what his emotional state or primal need is. Additionally, be mindful of what your body language is communicating. When at all possible try to maintain a posture that is below your child as opposed to towering over him.
• Respond to sensory processing needs. Offer to arm wrestle or push a wall down together. These activities often satisfy the need to be aggressive but end up calming the brain.
• Offer a snack. Sometimes low blood sugar contributes to the inability to regulate. Sucking something cold and thick like a smoothie or milkshake plays double duty on the road to regulation.
• Respond efficiently (Levels of Engagement). Be mindful about whether your reaction is diffusing or escalating.
• Encourage and praise liberally. Look beyond the current behavior and praise your child for who he is.

When your child is regulated and in control of his behavior, try these tools:

• Encouraging him to identify feelings. You may need to do this indirectly by asking him to tell the story of the day or by you telling him a story that reflects what happened with another character as central and having him identify how that character was feeling.
• Role-playing the incorrect and then correct responses to a situation. Try to work in role-playing regularly in your routine so you can start building new neuropathways that your child can access.
• A re-do. You won’t be satisfied with any re-do that happens in the “moment,” so it’s best to save it until you’re both re-regulated. Re-dos allow your child to develop muscle memory for a better response next time.
• Giving choices. A dysregulated kid will always find that third choice or refuse to make one. Giving choices pre-emptively to avoid meltdowns can also be effective.
• Offering a compromise. A child in meltdown mode may not be able to accept a compromise so connect first and remind your child you’re on his side before pulling this out of the toolbox.

We’ve told our kids repeatedly, “When we tell you to do something, you may say, ‘Yes, ma’am/sir,’ and go do it or ask for a compromise.”

In a perfect world, a compromise would replace a defiant, “You can’t make me go to bed! I’ll go when I want!” or a whiny, “I’m noooot tired, and my friends are still playing!” with “May I have 10 more minutes to finish up this game? Then I promise I will get ready for bed!”

But what about when you feel like you’ve moved from a battleground to being a doormat and your child is running your life?

Or what if you compromise and your child sees you as weak or uncaring and the challenging behaviors only escalate?

That’s what happened when we offered compromises to circumvent homework battles. Our child twisted that to mean that we actually didn’t care about her grades or her education because we decided to not care about whether or not homework got done. She couldn’t live with the rule…or without the rule.

It’s like you’re in between a rock and a hard place. You just can’t win! What a horrible feeling!

Watch this quick video for a couple tweaks you can make to stay off the crazy train and help your child get the structure he needs to feel safe without getting in a control battle.

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