I just finished hanging out in Nehemiah (as in the book of the Bible) with the She Reads Truth community. Nehemiah was the guy who rebuilt the temple after it was destroyed by the Babylonians.
The parallel of rebuilding something after (and even during) a period of crisis and brokenness was not lost on me.
For a lot of adoptive families, trauma has left a trail of devastation not unlike what Nehemiah found when he returned to Jerusalem.
But just like the temple was rebuilt, so can we rebuild our hearts and our families.
Grieve.
“When I heard these words, I sat down and wept. I mourned for a number of days, fasting and praying before the God of the heavens.” Nehemiah 1:4, CSB
You are not crazy. You are not alone. And what your family has lost is real. Sometimes it can feel overwhelming to consider the cost you’ve paid for parenting a child from a hard place. But trust me. There is hope. This season will not last forever. My experience was that I couldn’t move forward until I accepted the state of our family and grieved it properly.
Pray.
“I said, ‘LORD, the God of the heavens, the great and awe-inspiring God who keeps his gracious covenant with those who love him and keep his commands, let your eyes be open and your ears be attentive to hear your servant’s prayer that I now pray to you day and night for your servants, the Israelites.” Nehemiah 1:5-6a, CSB
Understanding our kids’ behaviors and having connected parenting tools are imperative in this journey, but really, healing is a God-sized job. A job for the one who created not just our kids, but our whole world. No one understands like he does. Pray day and night (and all the moments in between) for your family as Nehemiah prayed for Israel.
Change what you CAN control.
“I confess the sins we have committed against you. Both I and my father’s family have sinned.” Nehemiah 1:6b, CSB
I know the word “sin” may sound harsh, and I believe you are a GOOD MOM doing hard, but GOOD WORK. But can we all at least agree that we’re not perfect? It’s so tempting to put everything we have into changing and healing our kids. Unfortunately, while sometimes we can influence them, we cannot change them. The only person we really have control over is ourselves. Take it from someone who has tried this both ways–working on yourself is hard work, but way more satisfying!
Find your people.
In Chapter 3, we read about all the people who helped rebuild each section of the wall. They are not always easy to find, but having friends and professionals who are on your side make all the difference in the world. When you download 5 Tips to Save Your Summer over at the The Adoption Connection, you’ll also receive an invitation to join our private Facebook group. This is a great place to start building that community.
Be persistent.
“When Sanballat heard that we were rebuilding the wall, he became furious. He mocked the Jews before his colleagues and the powerful men of Samaria…So we rebuilt the wall until the entire wall was joined together up to half its height, for the people had the will to keep working.” Nehemiah 4:1,6, CSB (emphasis mine)
Parenting kids from hard places is a marathon, not a sprint. Actually it’s like running a marathon into the wind. What you’re doing is NOT easy. It’s going to take some grit and persistence. Be persistent in both prayer AND action.
“So we prayed to our God and stationed a guard because of [the mockers] day and night.” Nehemiah 4:9, CSB (emphasis mine.)
Stay singularly focused.
“I am doing important work and cannot come down.” Nehemiah 6:3, CSB
This task we’ve undertaken is important. More important than all of the other pulls in life–for now. In this season, give yourself permission to sit the next meal train out and bow out of volunteering at school and church. Besides, you need to conserve your energy so you can be persistent.
Remember the truth.
“Then I replied to him, ‘There is nothing to these rumors you are spreading; you are inventing them in your own mind.’ For they were all trying to intimidate us, saying, ‘They will drop their hands from the work, and it will never be finished.’ But now, my God, strengthen my hands.” Nehemiah 6:8-9, CSB
Whether it’s your own doubts or external voices bouncing around in your head, remember the truths that you are a GOOD mom, and that, with God, healing is possible. You can do this!
Write the things you know to be true on index cards and place them in strategic places where you will see them.
[bctt tweet=”As an adoptive mom, I needed these reminders today. #adoption” username=”corkboardblog”]
What do you need to remember?
]]>In our area, parents can request a mental health evaluation at the local emergency department at any time. We voluntarily initiated this process once, and the police required it twice. (As a side note our local police department will transport an unwilling youth for a family if they wish to have a mental health evaluation completed.) No matter the way you end up in ER, the next part of the process is the same. Once the mental health evaluator and pediatrician on call agree that admittance to an acute psych unit is necessary, the parents agree to wait with the child on site at the hospital until an appropriate bed is found. This has kept us in the ER for a minimum of 12 hours and up to 40 hours. The first time it happened, we were completely caught off guard. I left the ER after 12 hours feeling like I’d been hit by an 18 wheeler between the lack of sleep and the emotional toll of deciding to take a flying leap onto the slippery slope of adolescent psych hospitalizations. By the third time, I was prepared. If, God forbid, you are on a similar journey as us (and I know y’all are out there), here are some things to consider taking to the ER so you can make the most of a crappy situation:
- Entertainment: For me, this is my laptop and a book. The ER where I’ve spent the better part of the last 6 weeks has free WiFi. If you’re going to be stuck in the same waiting room for possibly days, you can at least get some work done. If 40 hours of screen time makes you twitchy, that’s when you’ll want that book.
- A pillow: The first time I didn’t know I’d need this. The second time I was kicking myself for not having one. The third time, I had a small travel pillow with me and slept like a baby…a sleeping one. Don’t be shy. Feel free to ask the nurse for an empty room. You might actually get real sleep. Hospitals usually can supply you blankets so that’s one less thing you’ll need to tote around.
- Cash: You may be eating out of a vending machine for days. Our hospital vending machines accepts credit cards, but you should probably have cash just in case. Alternatively, keep a phone list of friends who live close by and would be willing to bring you real food.
- Toothbrush: I’ve failed to have this, but it sure would’ve come in handy after hour 15.
- Water bottle: Styrofoam cups and plastic straws will do in a pinch, but if you have something of your own that the nurses can put water and that awesome, soft ice in, you’ll feel more like yourself.
- Phone and charger: I know most of you have these on you ALL. THE. TIME. But you will probably have to make lots of phone calls to rearrange schedules, update home, and coordinate additional and/or future care. If your child refuses to see you, the staff will also need a way to contact you to find out where you’re hiding out in the hospital should they need you.
- List of meds, insurance card, name of pharmacy, and other pertinent info: This may seem obvious but they’ll ask you for them OVER and OVER and OVER again. Now that I mention it, you may want to keep a typed copy of the narrative you give when they ask about why you’re there. Or memorize a 30 second elevator version.
If the cards play out and you end up going to the ER from being out and about (as often happens), have a spouse or friend bring you your “GO” bag/items. Or, if your life is like ours, you may just want to have your “GO” items with you at all times.
What is your advice to families walking through crises?
