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felt safey – Melissa Corkum https://www.thecorkboardonline.com Mon, 24 May 2021 18:56:30 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.5.8 https://www.thecorkboardonline.com/corkboard/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/cropped-cropped-C-logo-bright-blue-32x32.png felt safey – Melissa Corkum https://www.thecorkboardonline.com 32 32 The Best Advice for Increasing Your Patience https://www.thecorkboardonline.com/2021/05/increasing-your-patience/ Tue, 25 May 2021 10:00:10 +0000 https://www.thecorkboardonline.com/?p=32972 On a scale of 1 to 10. How much patience do you typically have? One means you’re completely depleted and wake up annoyed at your kids even though they actually haven’t done anything that day. Ten means you’re a saint.

I started off as a pretty patient mom. With each additional child we added to our family, my patience decreased. By the time we had six kids, four through adoption with complex trauma and high needs, my husband was telling me I was the meanest person he knew.

I knew something needed to change. I wanted to be more patient. I would promise myself each night, “Tomorrow will be different.” But then tomorrow never was.

It turns out I was appealing to the wrong part of my brain. If you’ve been around for a while, you know I love brain science. Just as a quick review, the lower part of your brain includes the part that manages your emotions and logic happens in the pre-frontal cortex…the upstairs brain.

I was thinking a lot about patience and knew in my thinking brain I needed more of it, but that wasn’t helping my downstairs brain that didn’t feel any more patient each morning.

When I started caring for the downstairs part of my brain, I noticed that my window of tolerance increased along with the amount of patience I had. I was able to respond to my kids instead of react.

You’re probably wondering, “How do I care for the downstairs part of my brain?”

Three things made the biggest difference:

  1. Movement. I’ve mentioned before that Repetition + Rhythm + Relationship = Regulation for our kids and the same is true for ourselves.[bctt tweet=”Repetition + Rhythm + Relationship = Regulation for our kids and the same is true for ourselves.” username=”corkboardblog”]
  2. Therapeutic listening via the Safe and Sound Protocol. This protocol uses specially filtered music to send cues of safety to our nervous system and creates permanent shifts in how we experience the world. It helps you feel less irritable and overwhelmed. It helps you think more clearly. And it helps you connect more openly.
  3. Aromatherapy. Our sense of smell gives us direct access to the limbic system. Biochemistry tells us what smells will send cues of regulation and psychology tells us that we can also anchor a specific scent to the safe and grounded state provided by the Safe and Sound Protocol.

As I wove these pieces into my daily practice, I started finding my way back to the mom and person I wanted to be. I’ve been dreaming about how to offer this gift to other parents, and I’m ready to launch The Regulation Rescue.

If you want to increase your patience and regulation or just be in a really good place before school lets out for the summer, click here to apply to join the next cohort of The Regulation Rescue.

 

]]> 13 Practical Ways to Increase Felt Safety https://www.thecorkboardonline.com/2019/09/increase-felt-safety/ Mon, 09 Sep 2019 10:00:33 +0000 https://www.thecorkboardonline.com/?p=11581
Lack of felt safety is one of the five reasons kids misbehave. So what is felt safety? Our nervous systems have an instinct called “neuroception.” This is how we unconsciously distinguish whether situations or people are safe, dangerous, or life-threatening. When our kids have experienced chronic stress or have differences in their brain function, like ADHD, their neuroception can be inaccurate.
 
safe and sound protocol, adhd, adoption
Because their nervous system is telling them they are in danger, their reactions to situations may seem inappropriate or extreme.
 
Here are 13 things you can do to help your child’s nervous system feel safer.
[bctt tweet=”Here are 13 things you can do to help your child’s nervous system feel safer. #parenthacks” username=”corkboardblog”]
 
1. Be attuned to your child. Pay attention to non-verbal signs that your child is not feeling safe, so you can help out before it’s a full-blown meltdown.
 
2. Name it to tame it. It’s unlikely that your child will come out and say, “I’m not feeling safe.” They need you to narrate what you’re seeing. Just because they automatically deny it, doesn’t mean you’re wrong, but it’s also important to not get into a control battle.
 
3. Give voice. Be willing to hear your child out, even if you don’t agree to what he’s saying, or it makes you feel uncomfortable.
 
4. Validate emotions. You might not understand where they’re coming from, but it’s important to validate their emotions. A lot of situations register as traumatic for people because they felt alone in the experience.
 
5. Offer appropriate control. Whenever possible, offer choices or allow your child to ask for a compromise. We have more felt safety when we’re in control. This is also part of giving voice.
 
6. Match arousal energy in a controlled way. If your child is upset and his energy is high, mirror his enthusiasm but remain in control. Think of yourself as an Oscar-winning actor. This mirroring helps your child know that they are not alone. They know you see them which helps regulate their frightened nervous system.
 
7. Stay playful. Playfulness is definitely like a muscle. It can get stronger, but it can also atrophy. For me, the more stressed I am, the weaker my play muscle gets. However, playfulness helps keep a situation from escalating by keeping the nervous system open. The simplest example is mouthiness. It tends to be triggering for us, so we can respond with a stern, “do NOT speak to me that way!” or we could use a more playful phrase, “Are you askin’ or tellin’?”
 
8. Remain curious. I’ll speak for myself, but I have a tendency to jump to conclusions, and usually I’m assuming the worst about my kid. Be careful. This can become a self-fulfilling prophecy for our kids if they feel like we’re always expecting the worst. Curiosity helps to keep the nervous system from shutting down and becoming defensive.
 
9. Be consistent. The unknown can feel scary. Our kids need to see us as stable and predictable.
 
10. Keep it concrete. Kids with brain differences usually struggle with abstract concepts. Use tools that help them touch, feel, and experience something rather than just hear about it. This will help them feel more capable of learning which will help them feel more secure.
 
11. Less is more. Fewer words, less clutter, less on the schedule. Our kids are working so much harder than to keep up. We can lighten their load by giving them less to keep up with.
 
12. Speak your child’s Love Language. I know not everyone is familiar with love languages. It’s the idea that we all receive and give love in different ways. This is important to recognize because if we give love in one language but our kids receive in another, they may not feel loved or safe. Click here to take a Love Language quiz.
 
13. Safe and Sound Protocol. Consider a listening intervention called the Safe and Sound protocol. Developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, the Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP) is a five-day auditory intervention. It’s designed to reduce stress and auditory sensitivity while enhancing social engagement and resilience. Based on Dr. Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, SSP calms the physiological and emotional state. Then, the door is opened for improved communication and more success with other therapy modalities.
For more info or to find out if this is a good fit for your child, click here.
 

How do you increase felt safety for your child?

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