[bctt tweet=”You can have less stress and more joy during the holidays. #pblogger #adhd #adoption” username=”corkboardblog”]

Define Success

Get clear with yourself about what success will look like. For me, it’s managing my own sanity, not whether or not we had a Pinterest-perfect turkey or Christmas tree. If I get to January with some semblance of inner peace, it will be a win. That might mean I put off Christmas cards. Or RSVP “No” to the neighborhood cookie exchange to make time to read on the sofa with a cup of tea. For the past couple of years, success has also NOT been spending the entire holiday together as a family. This meant I felt the freedom to give my kids choices about what they participated in. No one wants to trek out to visit Great Aunt Bertha? No worries. I’m going by myself and it’s okay. As always, be sure to define success by something you can control.

Manage Expectations

Round up the family and have everyone narrate what they’re visualizing for the upcoming holiday season. Make a family holiday bucket list that includes at least one item from each person. Then focus on only those things. If decorating a Christmas tree isn’t on it, don’t do it. Also on expectations, remember that the holidays are hard and overwhelming for our kids. This is not the time to raise the bar and expect them to practice things like social engagement. If they want to hide under the table with a screen all day or eat and then disappear to their rooms, let them.

Think Outside The Box

If the old traditions stress you out, create new ones. No one in our nuclear family prefers turkey. Once the baton gets passed to me, we’ll probably have Chinese or Mexican. Where are you feeling the most stress about the holidays? What would you do differently if you weren’t boxed in by old traditions?

Keep Both Nurture and Structure High

For your kids who thrive on the structure of school, you’ll want to limit unstructured time at home. The key to increasing structure without getting more defiance is to increase nurture. So basically, you want to plan as much fun as possible. Keep in mind what will actually be fun for your child versus what is fun for everyone else but might overwhelm your child.

Stay Off Social Media

Put on your horse blinders. Pay no attention to the Instagram-perfect photos or fall into the trap of the “Shoulds.” If you need to feel better, ask me to see a photo of our boys’ room or the 10,000 chalkboard bags stacked my living room where a Christmas tree “should” be. You can also ask my kids about how many gifts we buy for them at Christmas. It’s ZERO.

You’re a good mom, doing good work!

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I noticed after our first Christmas with our older kids, that tree trimming was a huge trigger because it emphasized all the years they’d missed with us as our younger kids oohed and ahhed over their ornament collection from years past. Each ornament had a memory or special story. My parents had also had a tradition where they gave an ornament to each child every year. Our older kids were clearly in an ornament deficit.

That’s when I decided to mount the Ornament Project. I sent out a message to all of our friends and family.

It’s a tradition for Melissa’s parents to get an ornament for the kids every year. The missing ornaments from past years for John, Kayla, Grace, and Ty really stir up a lot of grief and sabotage their sense of belonging. We’ve decided to fix it! On Christmas morning, we’d like to present them with a large box of ornaments…one for every year that they weren’t with us. As friends and family who have loved and supported them during their transition into our house, we’re inviting you to participate in this project by sponsoring an ornament. Please do not feel pressured if you are receiving. We just wanted to extend the invitation as wide as possible. The ornaments don’t have to be expensive or fancy. We thought it would be cool if you sent a little note of encouragement with it. Here are some housekeeping notes:

You may sign up for as many ornaments as you want.

Please mark each ornament with the name and year (even if it’s just with a marker).

In lieu of a physical ornament, you may just send $5/ornament, and I’ll shop for you.

Please let me know if you have any questions and thanks again for loving our kids so well!

[bctt tweet=”Check out this cool ornament project if you have kids by foster or adoption. #adoption #fosterlove” username=”corkboardblog”]

In the message, I also included sign up and delivery deadlines and directed them to a SignUpGenius where they could claim an ornament. Within 24 hours all of the ornaments were claimed! With 3 of the kids each having over a decade of missed Christmases with us, that was impressive.

While everyone was out buying ornaments, I got each of the kids an ornament storage box. The actual opening of the ornaments was a bit anti-climatic (especially considering how proud of myself I was for pulling it off), but there was unspoken, deep appreciation in each of their eyes.

Depending on how big your tree is and how many kids you have (and how old they are), you may want to limit how many ornaments each child may display each year.

What are your best holiday survival tips?

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A version of this post was first published here.

While I love the mild weather and beautiful warm colors of fall, I would rather skip the “ber” months—September, October, November, December—all together.

Let’s start with the lack of sunlight. I’m one of those seasonal affective people who needs the sun to be shining in order for me to feel like being productive. I’ve played with vitamin D supplements and UV lamps, but they are poor substitutes for a beautiful, sunny day.

Then, when I’m at my lowest, there is a major holiday (aka. schedule disrupter during which I’m supposed to pull off extra Pinterest-magic) in e.v.e.r.y. s.i.n.g.l.e. “ber” month.

September rolls in with Back-to-School. I admit this may feel like a stretch to some and certainly doesn’t apply to everyone, but let me tell you how it is from my life stage. First, it’s a major transition. For families with trauma kids, federal law should mandate extra paid FMLA during seasonal transitions. Trauma kids do NOT transition well. From extra rages to psychosomatic illnesses, managing a transitioning trauma child is like having an extra 20 hour a week job. Meanwhile, I’m also usually scrambling together last minute curriculum plans for our homeschooled children as innumerable social media posts of other family’s groomed and coordinated children holding “First day of Xth Grade” signs mock me.

As we’re fighting to find our school rhythm, Halloween costume conversations become something I can’t push off any more. I didn’t grow up celebrating Halloween (that’s a post for another time), and I really struggle to get excited about spending money on costumes my kids wear once only in order to bring bucket loads of candy into my house that I don’t want and one of them can’t even eat. Not to mention that I have to walk them around in the “ber” cold to get this unwanted candy. Sorry, October, I could really do without your holiday.

Just as everyone is coming down from their sugar high, it’s Thanksgiving. This is probably a good place to explain that trauma kids regulate (or dysregulate) on external stimuli. They usually do not have the capability to regulate off of internal mechanisms so they are victim to whatever is going on around them. Holidays produce elevated emotions (some positive like anticipation and some negative like stress). Trauma kids’ bodies translate it all as stress and it puts them at high alert which makes them living hell to live with on a good day. Throw in holiday travel of which Thanksgiving weekend is the worst because everyone leaves on Wednesday night and returns Sunday, and I could also skip November.

Oh, Christmas. How I want to love thee. After all, you are arguably the most important holiday of my faith. But why must you be so materialistic? If I hear another list of things my kids “need,” I am going to scream! My top love language is debatable but everyone agrees that it is NOT gifts.  Therefore, I struggle to buy gifts just to buy gifts, but finding the perfect gift for everyone takes lots of time that I don’t have since I’m also supposed to be decorating, baking, and sending cards. Decorating. I love the idea of a tree. I love the piney smell and the glow of the lights. It’s the addition of a large shedding object into an already overcrowded house and the fight of who is going to put which ornaments on the tree where that makes me want to hibernate until spring. Dealing with trauma kids and my own issues with having to disrupt our routine, does not leave me with enough margin or patience to fit in holiday extras. Here’s the icing on the cake: I get questioned all month by my kiddos about why we don’t xyz like all the other families. I don’t even need Facebook or Pinterest to rub it in my face. #mommyfailure.

We do have a couple simple traditions I love like our prayer chain and the sibling gift exchange. My 12-year-old, just reminded me yesterday that we missed the start of prayer chain season, and my 10-year-old reminded me that we didn’t pick names for the sibling gift exchange over Thanksgiving like I promised. #doubleandtriplemommyfailure.

Excuse me while I go hole up with the pre-Marley Scrooge until Spring.