Everybody experiences stress from time to time. But adoptive and foster families experience unique challenges and stressors. There are also a lot of BIG feelings flying around our houses. While emotions are a natural response to the world around us, they need to be handled and addressed appropriately in order to maintain good mental health. There is a wide variety of essential oils to choose from when it comes managing emotions.
[bctt tweet=”#Essentialoils can help restore your emotional balance and improve your overall attitude in any situation” #momhacks username=”corkboardblog”]
What are essential oils?
They are naturally occurring, volatile aromatic compounds which are found in the seeds, bark, stems, roots, flowers, and other parts of plants. Essential oils give plants their distinctive smells, protect plants, and play a role in plant pollination. In addition to their intrinsic benefits to plants and their beautiful fragrance, essential oils have long been used for food preparation, beauty treatment, and health-care practices.
How do I use them?
Aromatically
Essential oils are quickly absorbed by the smell receptors, which have a direct link to the limbic system. The limbic system is part of the brain that supports emotions, behavior, and memory.
Topically
Topical application is a very effective method for applying essential oils because they penetrate the skin. They can be used in therapeutic touch techniques that promote trust.
Internally
When ingested, essential oils directly enter the bloodstream via the gastrointestinal tract, where they are transported throughout the rest of the body. Use this method sparingly and with caution.
Hack #1: Use them on yourself first
When I first heard of using essential oils for mood and emotions management for kids from hard places, I set out to try as many oils on my kids as possible. I was looking for that magic fix. Quite frankly, I didn’t care if they were on board.
But, we can only control ourselves.
And while that seems anti-climactic, research on mirror neurons tell us that if we’re regulated, our kids will be too.
Hack #2: Less more often
Essential oils are powerful ways to influence biological processes. Think of an oil experience as a mini-therapy session.
A couple minutes of aromatherapy every hour is more effective than a prolonged experience once or twice a day.
For the rest of the hacks, download the free e-book!
Actually, I should say, “Who.”
Meet Andrea.
She regularly kicks her friends (who are foster parents) out, tells them they can’t home any earlier than 10 PM, and asks for nothing in return.
She notices needs like a worn out pack ‘n play and has the Amazon fairy deliver a new one.
She gifts bags of cool weather clothes when cool weather comes a knockin.’
She sends random texts asking to take the littles while the bigs are at school.
Do you know what she says when she’s thanked?
“No, thank YOU! You’re the one caring for the kids in need!”
[bctt tweet=”No, thank YOU! You’re the one caring for the kids in need! #truefriend #fostercare” username=”corkboardblog”]
Not everyone is called to foster or adopt, but maybe you’re being called to be an Andrea. Every family needs one!
Who will you help in 2019?
Adapted from a post by @phillourhome. Shared with permission.
]]>A lot of adoptive moms tell me that they'd do anything for their kids, but they don't know where to start or what to do. They are tirelessly seeking out post adoption support and resources and coming up empty handed. Unfortunately, there is a HUGE gap in post adoption support. We've felt it personally.
I'm sharing what we've found helpful...even life saving...so you don't have to stumble around blindly for as long as we did.
Find A Local Tribe
There's really nothing better than being able to sit across from another mom gets your stories and validates you. You're not crazy, and you're certainly not the only one. Trust me.
If you're not sure where to start looking, search Facebook or Meetup for "<your city> Adoptive Moms." Or head to a local coffee shop once a month and advertise it in your local community publication's event calendar as an "Adoption Support Group." I did this for a season. Moms came out of the woodworks, and I'm still friends with some of them today.
If all else fails, I'd love to invite you to a virtual coffee. You can hop on my schedule by clicking HERE.
But, really, try to find some in-person people.
Find An Online Tribe
This is no substitution for a local, in-person tribe, but online communities are an important part of my support system. They are great for getting answers and advice quickly. Not sure where to start? You will receive an invite to the Adoption Connection's official FB support group when you download "5 Tips to Save Your Summer."
Train Yourself
Read a book. Listen to a podcast. Take an online course. Parenting kids from hard places is not intuitive. I had to re-learn everything I ever thought I knew about parenting.
We are offering 2 courses this summer over at the Adoption Connection--How to Keep Your Marriage Strong (for the mom who has nothing left) and How to Balance Nurture and Structure. These will both be LIVE, interactive support groups with lots of helpful tips. They start a week from tomorrow (6/7), click HERE to register now...before you forget.
Train Your People
Is it possible to die from over exposure to well-intentioned, yet uninvited, advice from you family and friends? Probably not, but I feel you.
At a minimum, have everyone who you regularly come in contact with watch this 3 minute video. Ideally, you would gather your people over 2 evenings to watch this.
The more people you have speaking from the same dictionary about your kids, the better.
[bctt tweet="If you need some post adoption support, I loved these pointers!" username="corkboardblog"]
If you're new here, welcome! You've found a safe place.
If you've been a regular visitor, you've watched a lot of transitions, but the recurring theme is that I am on a mission to help families. I never want a family to feel as lonely and hopeless as we felt when we were struggling with how to parent our kids well. I am stepping out in faith to go into parent training and coaching full-time. I'm excited to be more available to you!
Feedback on how to serve you better is always welcome. Check out the new home page and shoot me a quick message to let me know if it's helpful!
Dr. Karyn Purvis coined the term “hard place.”
There are 7 Risk Factors that the Institute of Child Development recognizes:
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Prenatal Stress or Harm
For children adopted at birth, it is likely that their pregnancy was not planned which automatically leads to a more stressful prenatal experience than most children. For children whose birth mother’s lived in places of extreme poverty, the stress of not knowing when the next meal was or where to sleep every night manifests as elevated cortisol levels. Even if your child is not adopted, many parents, when prompted, can recall an unusually high stress situation during pregnancy (extreme morning sickness, death in the family, contingent house buying or selling). Some research shows that stressful pregnancies can be linked to higher cortisol levels in children as long as 10 years later! (1)
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Difficult Labor or Birth
Whether labor lasted for days on end or the cord was wrapped numerous times around baby’s neck causing oxygen deprivation or there was an emergency C-section, all of these cause surges of high cortisol levels in mama and consequently babies. (2)
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Early Hospitalization
Infants with early medical issues and premature babies are often incubated or need care in a way that impacts the amount of physical touch they would normally receive. The decrease touch time (3) paired with the over-stimulation of their under-developed sensory system can have long-lasting impacts (4).
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Abuse
There are many types of abuse including physical, emotional, spiritual, and sexual. Prenatal or early substance exposure also falls in this category (5).
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Neglect
Neglect can happen for many reasons. A good mom doing her best who is just overtired and stressed or a mom who isn’t capable due to being under the influence substances. Children who grow up in institutions are often neglected. Neglect affects brain development in the same way, no matter what the reasons (6).
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Trauma
Medical procedures, natural disasters, car wrecks, and tragedies are typical examples. In some ways, trauma is also in the eye of the beholder. Trauma is either a single event (or series of ongoing stressors) that renders a person feeling fearful and helpless.
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System Effects
This could be any change in primary caregiver which automatically captures all children who have been adopted or fostered.
It’s important to note that prenatal stress, difficult birthing process, early medical trauma, and change of primary caregiver are often overlooked. Additionally, the first four risk factors can all apply to children even if they were adopted at birth (which is often misconceived as a lower risk adoption).
How many of the risk factors apply to your family?
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What is hard about parenting a child who doesn’t meet an expectation? Have you ever heard yourself saying these phrases as a parent?
“But he SHOULD be able to do that.”
“He SHOULD remember after 500 reminders.”
Or
“I SHOULDN’T have to do that for him.”
“I SHOULDN’T have to live that way.”
Me. Me. Me…
Do you want to know the sucky thing? Despite all my feelings of what I think our son SHOULD do, he can’t. And despite the unfairness of how I SHOULDN’T be living, it’s just what needs to be done. Besides, do you know what I tell my kids ALL. THE. TIME?
“Life isn’t fair!”
About 3 years ago a practitioner introduced me to the phrase, “Radical Acceptance.” I’m still not sure how she meant for me to apply it, but I took each word literally and started taking stock of where we were as a family–including all the needs of our kids–and radically accepting and making peace with our HERE and NOW. It was almost a form of mindfulness. Through a lot of prayer and introspection and some visits to our awesome therapist, I was able to find a supernatural peace in the midst of the crazy. Well, at least sometimes. I’m not going to lie and tell you I have this figured out all the time. Because I don’t. But the crazy thing is that whenever I stop fighting against my reality, I’m calmer which makes my kids calmer which means they operate at the top of their ability set–whatever that happens to be. You know, at the end of the day, we can only control ourselves, not our situations, not our kids behaviors, not even how our kids react or respond to us.
[bctt tweet=”Whenever I stop fighting against my reality, I’m calmer. #parenthack” username=”macorkum”]
So here’s our challenge, instead of hyper zoning in on all the deficits that are annoyingly rearing their ugly heads, let’s focus on shedding all of our SHOULD statements. I know. SHOULD has 6-Letters. But you get the picture. This challenge is for me too because it’s a daily…no hourly struggle…to stay in this space of radical acceptance.
Will you try it for a week with me?
Comment below if you’re with me so we can all keep each other accountable.
]]>Our list of “things” (outside of the basic principles of trust-based parenting) has included diet, mindfulness, massage, oils, supplements, and medication.
Do you want to know the problem with using essential oils for challenging kids?
Just because you want them to work so bad, they will want NOTHING to do with them.
Do you want to know the secret about kids from hard places?
Their needs are complex and there’s no magic fix.
Tatoo it to your forehead. “There’s NO MAGIC FIX.”
Just because you want to try it, they will probably dig their feet in and hate it. Just because. And honestly, getting into a control battle with a kid to do something…even if it’s their magic fix…automatically makes it NOT the magic fix.
[bctt tweet=”There’s NO MAGIC FIX. #remindersformyself #parenting” username=”macorkum”]
P.S. I’m preaching this to myself because I’m the control queen and the queen of burning relationship bridges with my kids because I am trying to force a fix. Learn from my mistakes. Don’t be me.
However, despite the fact that oils weren’t the magic fix I was looking for, they were a magic fix for somebody else…me.
When I’d be chasing the kids around with a balancing blend, I realized, I wanted to smell it. I could feel the oils calming me down and helping me to access my other coping tools.
BONUS: Click HERE for an entire e-book on the science behind why oils work to manage our emotions. It’s really NOT all in your head…or is it?
I’ve said it before, and it’s worth saying again. “I cannot change my child, but I can change me…”
[bctt tweet=”I cannot change my child, but I can change me… #adoption” username=”macorkum”]
We can only control ourselves.
And while that seems anti-climactic, research on mirror neurons tell us that if we’re calm, our kids can calm by mirroring the calm in us.
What would happen if we had more tools as tired mamas to energize us, calm us, and literally manage our emotions from the inside out?
- Less frustration.
- More organization.
- Less overwhelm.
- More empowerment.
- More connection.
My favorite way to have oils at my disposal all day long is diffuser jewelry. Essential Charms recently sent me a diffuser bracelet to review.
The “Ancient Agate” diffuser bracelet is handmade with premium, semi-precious 12mm Decorative Pattern Agate stones, 3 beige lava stones and a custom stainless steel cube.
Agate is known for its slow and steady healing properties and is said to bring harmony and balance to body, mind and spirit. Like lava stone, it has a grounding energy and will bring you strength and stability in times of need.
I asked for the small size and was pleasantly surprised when it actually fit my tiny wrists!
FAQs
How do I use diffuser jewelry with essential oils?
Just add a drop or two of your favorite oil to the porous lava beads. Give it a couple minutes to soak in so the oil won’t rub off of the beads and leave a mark on your sleeve. If that happens, just use this nifty stain roller and it will come right out.
Which oils do you recommend?
I recommend using the emotional aromatherapy wheel to choose your blend. We use the oils from doTERRA’s emotional aromatherapy kit everyday. If you’d like to know more about why I love these specific oils for weary mamas, contact me. I’d love to chat more. Just contact me.
How long will the aroma last?
Depending on the oil a couple hours to a full day.
Can I use a different oil each day?
Yes! You can use a different oil each time you add oils to your bracelet.
Where can I buy diffuser jewelry?
Essential Charms has kindly offered a discount for you awesome mamas. Just use the code CORK15 at check out for 15% your purchase. Essential Charms offers a wide variety of precious stone bracelets and diffuser charms for necklaces.
I’m parenting a challenging child a feel hopeless. What else can I do?
Join my FB parenting support group called Essentially Connected Parenting. My goal is to help you find hope again!
I received a free product in exchange for this post. However, I was using diffuser jewelry long before receiving a freebie and would still recommend it even without compensation. This post also contains affiliate links and I may be compensated if you make a purchase after clicking on my links.
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Lisa Qualls is the founder of the One Thankful Mom blog. She is a writer and speaker with the unusual chance to have experienced all 3 parts of the adoption triad–birth mom, adoptive mom, and foster child. We’ve connected over so many similarities over the years but she’s far more gracious, wise, and compassionate than me. I know you’ll love what she has to share. We chatted about a part of her story that she hasn’t talked much about…her story as a birth mom. Plus the after effects that having a household of kids can have on even a natural extrovert and my favorite topic of the Enneagram also slipped in. I promise you. I didn’t even prime her!
Here are links to all the places where Lisa is hanging out:
Blog | FB Page | Instagram | Twitter | YouTube
Other things we referenced:
Michael Hyatt – front and back stage days
A podcast that includes Enneagram Subtype descriptions
My Essentially Connected Parenting YouTube Channel
Jenn Ernest and I have been friend for forever (see proof above). She has walked through pregnancy loss, secondary infertility, adoption, breast cancer, and she’s parenting a child with limb differences. That’s a lot of situations where people tend to say all the wrong things. During our conversation, Jenn gives practical advice on how to not be THAT person!
P.S. Episode #10 is the one I refer to near the beginning of the show. You can listen here.
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This week Monica and I chat about the things that blindsided us when we adopted, the hardest thing our marriages have survived, and how her local school system is failing her daughter right now.
Connect with Monica on her blog, Instagram, or check out her new podcast–Collared Chicks.
If you want to check out that book on older child adoption I mentioned, click here.
If you still need to shop for the holidays, check out the Gift Guide.
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As a mama who know nothing firsthand about infertility or pregnancy loss, I am in awe of stories like Erin tells on this week’s episode. She is one strong, brave mama. I just know you’ll connect with her authenticity and honesty about all the emotions she felt during her journey. We also talk about the husbands. Everyone forgets the husbands!
If you want to connect with Erin, you can pretty much always find her at Disney World. Just kidding. She hangs out on Instagram @timmyanderin.
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