But I know I still have work to do and want to be a part of quieting other noise this week to listen more intently to and amplify melanated voices.

Honestly, I was frozen on Monday wondering what to do next and where to lead you. I was processing for myself, worrying about our son who works in DC, but also feeling a responsibility to be a leader. To give you the resources you need to lead your family well.

This, of course, is not an exhaustive list, but some great places to start.

Just Mercy (movie)

The Just Mercy movie* is based off the fantastic book Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption* by Bryan Stevenson. It’s free through June on streaming services such as Amazon Prime and Apple TV.

Trouble I’ve Seen (e-book)

From the publisher, “What if racial reconciliation doesn’t look like what you expected? The high-profile killings of young black men and women by white police officers, and the protests and violence that ensued, have convinced many white Christians to reexamine their intuitions when it comes to race and justice.

In this provocative book, theologian and blogger Drew G. I. Hart places police brutality, mass incarceration, anti-black stereotypes, poverty, and everyday acts of racism within the larger framework of white supremacy. He argues that white Christians have repeatedly gotten it wrong about race because dominant culture and white privilege have so thoroughly shaped their assumptions. He also challenges black Christians about neglecting the most vulnerable in their own communities. Leading readers toward Jesus, Hart offers concrete practices for churches that seek solidarity with the oppressed and are committed to racial justice.

What if all Christians listened to the stories of those on the racialized margins? How might the church be changed by the trouble they’ve seen?”

Click here to download your free copy and use the code HART.
(Coupon only valid on the digital version.)

The Gospel in Color (e-books)

It can be hard to process racism for ourselves, let alone tackle it with our kids. But tackle we must. The Gospel in Color for Parents and the The Gospel in Color for Kids will help you navigate these tricky conversations through a biblical lens.

Click here to download them for free using the code ICANTBREATHE.

Not My Idea: A Book About Whiteness

This child-friendly book is about a little girl who sees TV coverage of a police shooting and has questions. Her parents want to protect her. Sound familiar?

Click here to download a free pdf of the book.

Transracial Adoption: Common Questions from White Adoptive Parents

This free resource is provided by Be the Bridge which helps bring awareness to the racial brokenness and system injustice in the world. When you request the download, it will come in their second email to you.

Click here to download.

Adoption Heart Conference bonus session with transracial adoptee, Rhonda Roorda

Rhonda Roorda was adopted at the age of two into a white family, and raised as the only black in her family and community. You must hear about the moment she discovered she was black. She is the author of In Their Voices: Black Americans on Transracial Adoption*.

Click here to register for this free virtual conference.*

Podcasts

“Doing Nothing Is No Longer An Option.” — For the Love Live with Austin Channing Brown

Latasha Morrison on The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey

Do you have additional resources to share? Click here to share them with our community.

*Denotes an affiliate link. This means I may earn a commission if you purchase a product through this link.

During the conversation, LaShelle also mentions that she’s been blogging. You can read that post here.

Last week in a neighboring high school district in our county, students were disciplined for staging a photo where their spirit week Scrabble letters spelled out, “N****r.” [1] Obviously, this incident is restarting a conversation about racism in schools.

According to a Change.org petition [2], the students were only suspended for 9 days. The outrage on the petition and across social media platforms was swift and clear. To date, more than 6,000 people have signed the petition which asks for stricter and more appropriate discipline.

As a side note, I’m following a fellow adoptive mom whose daughter was just suspended for several WEEKS for consensual horseplay on school property. As in a group of students of color were stupidly goofing off in a way where physical contact was made. All students assured the administration that it wasn’t fighting, they were just playing a game. They weren’t heard. Just suspended and now there’s a hearing on the incident. My friend’s daughter is still not back at school…being denied her education. She is black.

My visceral reaction to racism is anger and disgust and the need for retribution. After reading the news story on this, my lid was flipped. [3] However, we’ve started to extrapolate connected parenting principles to other aspects of our lives. After my initial seething, I could hear my thinking brain encouraging me to have a response rather than a reaction.

[bctt tweet=”Have a response rather than a reaction. #racism #parenting #education” username=”macorkum”]

Expulsion for racism in schools

It’s what the people are calling for. They are angry. I was quick to agree. Then there are comments that expulsion doesn’t actually address the heart of the issue. Such wise folks. I mulled and thought. True. Straight up punishment is not the answer. Something more restorative and educational is in order. But back to expulsion. I’m actually for it. Not because that’s what they deserve or because it makes me feel better. Expulsion is appropriate because of the victims—all of the students of color at the school. If you were a black kid, how would you feel knowing that these white kids, who were ballsy and racist enough to post such a photo, were loose at school with barely a slap on the wrist for such a heinous act? As a mama of black kids, I can tell you my kids wouldn’t be forced to go back until the administration addressed their felt safety needs which would include knowing that the guilty parties were nowhere near my kids.

Similar felt safety sentiments were expressed by students in another Maryland county last year following offensive social media postings.

“People should have the right to be informed if the student is expelled or when the student returns to the school/school system,” students wrote in their proposal. “When people are left without information, they are in constant fear that the threatening student will return. At this point in time, administration and HCPSS cannot share any knowledge of the student’s return or lack thereof. The feeling of safety is jeopardized when students are not informed properly.” [4]

Restorative Justice for Racism in Schools

But expulsion is to protect the victims, so what about the restorative justice [5] piece? Rather than straight punishment, connective principles ask what is being communicated by the behavior and think about what would be an effective solution. I don’t know these kids at all, but the offensive photo seems to indicate a lack of understanding, thoughtfulness, and awareness. Often, kids who are willing to hurt other kids are often hurt and insecure kids themselves. I’m thinking that a reasonable consequence would be putting the kids in situations where they got to know students and families of other colors and their stories. Initially they should hear how students of color were impacted by their photo. In addition, there should also be long term plans to put the white kids face to face, and elbow to elbow, with the group of people that they are so relationally far enough away from right now that they have no problem dehumanizing them. I think the parents and siblings of the kids should be involved, too. Paradigms are not formed in a vacuum.

Parenting special needs kids (and some who I didn’t form and shape from birth) makes me aware that there are not always ignorant, racist parents behind some kids, but involving families will never hurt.

Proactive Education to Prevent Racism in Schools

Systemically, it would be appropriate for Harford County Public Schools to implement some kind of diversity education. At 85% white (more white than the average across Maryland and the US), it should be obvious that education to combat prejudice and racism is a necessity. Students need to have their paradigms challenged and stretched. They need to learn how to think outside their racist boxes. [6].

If your child has been the victim of racism at school, what would have been helpful steps toward reconciliation and restorative justice?

Of the 14 people that have lived in our house over the last decade, only 3 are White. The rest are Black or Asian or some combination.

I’ve experienced forms of racism and discrimination for as long as I can remember, and I’m Asian living near a fairly diverse metropolitan area. I know that the reality is harder in less diverse areas and for Black males. That’s probably an understatement.

Both of the Black males who have lived under our roof have had to stare the ugliness of racism in the face. One of our sons experienced it within 18 months of being in America IN. A. CHURCH! #christianfail

As transracial adoptive families, we have a unique position in light of Charlottesville. We have white privilege, but also understand how racism and bigotry is still alive and well. We are a bridge between two worlds.

[bctt tweet=”As transracial adoptive families…we are a bridge between 2 worlds. #racism #charlottesville” username=”corkboardblog”]

It pains me to see adoptive families scrubbing their Facebook friends lists based on folks’ reaction (or non-reaction) to defining events such as Charlottesville. It’s not so much about the friend list, but more that I hypothesize that they are also probably scrubbing their list of in-real-life friends as well.

Friends, if we, with our ability to speak into and for both worlds, don’t stand in the gap, who will?

Our 6’4” Black, city boy is not going to get an audience with any white person who needs a come-to-Jesus moment about racism. Honestly, I may not because I forget I am not seen as white as I feel #wholeotherblogpost. But you, white adoptive parent…you may get an audience.

Everyone has a story worth hearing. These broken people who have grown to believe that they are better than everyone else. They have a story, too. If you listen to their story, they may listen to yours.

Aside: Everyone should watch this Brene Brown video.

And as I quoted after the Baltimore riots, from the wise Dr. Karyn Purvis, what is “harmed in relationship…will come to experience healing in relationship.”[1]

The only way I’ve overcome my ignorance about people (culture, race, special needs) is to have relational experiences that beat down my preconceived notions. It’s so much harder to keep lies alive when the truth keeps worming its way into your heart. And the only way to reach people’s hearts is through Jesus and relationship.

Facebook posts might help you get something off your chest, but they aren’t solving anything. They aren’t convincing anyone. In fact, they are just drawing battle lines.

(The irony of how I’m communicating this manifesto isn’t lost on me. But in my defense, I’ve had this conversation in person already a couple times and plan on many more.)

This isn’t a battle. It’s relationship trauma.

[bctt tweet=”This isn’t a battle. It’s relationship trauma. #charlottesville” username=”corkboardblog”]

Trust-based Relational Intervention (TBRI), the clinically researched method that brings hurting people to healing, would tell us to figure out how to stay on the same side. Not on everything, but on something. Gardening. Ice Cream. Flip flops year round. Anything.

Find a point of connection and move forward from there.

This won’t be easy. In fact, I guarantee it will be hard. Hurt (adj) people hurt (v) people, so you will probably get hurt.

I will need every mindfulness and self-calming tool in the book to not burn bridges if someone tells me he is concerned with the “slow replacement of white heritage within the United States.”[2] #heavenhelpusall

But that young, ignorant whipper snapper is not going to be transformed by our Facebook feeds. He will need a powerful relationship encounter with someone he trusts…who maybe loves the same ice cream flavor as him.

So, what say you? Can we do the hard thing to change the world for our kids?

1. Freddie Gray was a black young man who was arrested and died in police custody.

2. Freddie’s death sparks protests which then turn violent and create a crazy, downward spiral throughout Baltimore City.

3. We own a coffee shop in the heart of the city.

4. We are a part of a church community in the heart of one of the most troubled areas of the city.

5. We have a black son who has already been the target of racism (in a church no less).

6. The yucky stuff has been around since Adam and Eve and will continue to be until Jesus returns.

7. God is still in control and desires both justice and righteousness (Thank you, Pastor George).

The Thoughts:

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about the situation at hand in view of our training in trauma and relational intervention. In such emotionally charged situations like this, it’s easy for each of us to be sucked in (even if we’re not directly effected).

As we’ve been helping our kids process this, we’ve been talking a lot about remembering that each of the people involved (on both sides) has a story. They are each individual people who God loves. They are individuals each making decisions. We are discouraging them from dehumanizing either side or making broad generalizations. Not all police are brutal and not all black men are guilty. Thousands of people are being impacted and each one has a story.

Sunday, at church, we were reminded that God desires both justice and righteousness. In therapeutic parenting, we attempt to create a similar seeming paradox between structure and nurture. A paradox that only a BIG GOD can accomplish. It’s been very easy over the past couple days to be paralyzed by hopelessness and to join one of the many social media choruses of disgust.

From the wise Dr. Karyn Purvis, what is “harmed in relationship…will come to experience healing in relationship.” These hurts and traumas run deep.

Patrick and I have spent a lot of time thinking about what our response should be as individuals, as a family, as business owners, and as The Church.

We want to think relationally.

We want to cling to the faithfulness of a God who can bring beauty from ashes.

We want to be light in darkness.

We want to have calm, thoughtful conversations about the underlying whys. It’s not as easy as short phrases like “race relations” and “police brutality.”

In other news, Grace had to stare racism directly in the face today. We’re praying about how we can respond that heals using relationship and in a way that is true to our faith. Pray hard because my first reaction was very Mama Bearish.