“I wind up yelling at everyone at some point in the day after hours of bickering & fighting.”
“There is constant sibling conflict.”
“I want everyone to feel safe so the sibling fights will just stop!”

I get it. Growing up these are things my mom would’ve said about the three of us. We’ve also had intense sibling conflict in our family that included abuse and even a pair of kids that didn’t communicate for almost 2 years. While this may seem better than hours of bickering, I wanted to crawl in a hole when the offering plate got stuck in our row at church because those 2 wouldn’t touch it at the same time!

We’ve found 4 secrets that have helped us weather sibling storms.

[bctt tweet=”Check out these 4 secrets that help families weather sibling conflict. #pblogger” username=”corkboardblog”]

Create simple rituals that include all the siblings.

My husband had a blessing that he used to say when we’d put all the kids to bed. The kids often rolled their eyes, but now that three of them are adults, it’s these rituals that they miss. It’s also something in common that the kids remember together. I’ve heard them reminisce, “Remember when mom and dad would make us to bedtime prayers together every night, and dad would bless us!” “Kinda miss it now.” Remember you’re sowing seeds for the future. You can only control you. You can’t control their reactions.

Find fun things that all the siblings like.

Give your kids as many shared fun experiences as you can. Even if they’re super-short. It’s funny how a trip to get ice cream can pull the family together.

Give the siblings space.

I know we may have grandiose ideas of sibling togetherness, but honestly, the more power you give your kids over their relationship with their siblings, the more likely they are to seek it out later in life on their own. While I expect my kids to treat either other with respect, I don’t force them to play together or include each other. I also try not to overreact to bickering. Some of that is normal (especially with teens) even if it doesn’t feel good to my mom-heart.

Wait.

Some of these things take time. My brother and sister were in their late 20’s before they reconciled. Our two who didn’t talk for years are now best friends. And our daughter who was the most insecure and hated one of her brothers now claims he’s her favorite. Hang in there!

What’s working or not working in your family where siblings relationships are concerned?

Watching our kids be in the destructive path of the typical self-protecting behaviors of kids from hard places (e.g., mostly verbal and emotional abuse) feels like someone has ripped your heart and soul out of your body and stomped all over it. It makes me physically ill sometimes.

We all have either primary or secondary PTSD. Having changes in primary care givers results in PTSD. Many of the behaviors that result from being a child with PTSD cause PTSD in the other household members. Even though we’re doing much better than 4 months ago, every time my picture shows up on my husband’s phone, his blood pressure skyrockets and his adrenaline starts pumping. Similarly, even minor conflict between our most aggressive child and me results in our 9 year old having an emotional meltdown.

Because we have four kids from hard places, and I have my own issues, we often get in these vicious cycles where everyone is triggering everyone else. It’s one thing to have one kid from a hard place, but when that kid’s anxiety triggers the others’, you can find yourself in the midst of a chain reaction of meltdowns and incredible neediness.

Each child gets a drastically imbalanced amount of our attention. I often feel like we don’t have enough time or energy to meet the needs of anyone, let alone everyone.

All that being said, this “refiner’s fire” that our family is walking through has had its redeeming moments.

We’ve had opportunities to see our kids show us up in compassion. Jesus knew what he was talking about when he talked about “faith like a child.” In general, PJ, Mia, and Ty have not held grudges about either wrongs done to them or been resentful about how being called to raise kids from hard places has impacted our lives. That’s more than I can say for most adults walking this road…or even myself. Watching them live out love for their siblings usually brings me to tears when I talk about it.

Less judgment, more compassion. Our kids have learned more about the “whys” behind behaviors than most adults. We’ve been given the privilege to have eyes more like Jesus and understand the hurt and insecurity that drives the maddening behaviors.

We know Jesus better than ever. You really don’t understand unconditional love until you live with and love someone who is consistently mean and nasty to you and almost never recognizes being loved, let alone reciprocates it.

Every day, we have to constantly have our heads remind our hearts that:

1. We know that God has us walking this road for a reason.
2. God can redeem the hurts our family is experiencing.
3. We need to focus on Jesus and not on all the things that seem to be going wrong.

These reminders help us love the way we’re supposed to and not spend too much time hating our lives, resenting our decision to adopt, and worrying that we’ve ruined our family.

We did need a better solution for sibling (or parent) conflict that was rooted in lack of relationship. Enter the Connection Wheel.

This works really well for us when I come into the middle of a sibling conflict, and there have been poor decisions made by both parties. I have both parties spin the Connection Wheel and they have to do whatever is spun with each other. Then, we do any applicable redos.

I also use it for me. If I find myself being really annoyed at some behavior by one of my not-s0-securely attached children, I resist the urge for a traditional consequence and hand them the Connection Wheel. I find it helps me (and them) reset.

Our wheel says:

1. 5 minute hand massage ( I make them use a Grounding Blend of essential oils*).
2. 30 sec. squeeze hug.
3. 15 sec. eye contact.
4. Copy and recite a Bible verse. (I source mine from Wise Words for Moms).

What would you put on your Connection Wheel?

*We’ve chosen a specific brand of essential oils because of the company’s commitment to safety, sustainability, quality, and support. We believe life (including essential oils) is best done in community and this company has a similar mindset. Unfortunately, to protect myself from scrutiny from the FDA, I’ve chosen to not disclose the brand on my website. It’s crazy world we live in! If you want to learn more about who we chose and why, send me a message here. You can also sign up for my newsletter where I send out wellness tips, event invites, and ways to get FREE oils.