I started off as a pretty patient mom. With each additional child we added to our family, my patience decreased. By the time we had six kids, four through adoption with complex trauma and high needs, my husband was telling me I was the meanest person he knew.
I knew something needed to change. I wanted to be more patient. I would promise myself each night, “Tomorrow will be different.” But then tomorrow never was.
It turns out I was appealing to the wrong part of my brain. If you’ve been around for a while, you know I love brain science. Just as a quick review, the lower part of your brain includes the part that manages your emotions and logic happens in the pre-frontal cortex…the upstairs brain.
I was thinking a lot about patience and knew in my thinking brain I needed more of it, but that wasn’t helping my downstairs brain that didn’t feel any more patient each morning.
When I started caring for the downstairs part of my brain, I noticed that my window of tolerance increased along with the amount of patience I had. I was able to respond to my kids instead of react.
You’re probably wondering, “How do I care for the downstairs part of my brain?”
Three things made the biggest difference:
- Movement. I’ve mentioned before that Repetition + Rhythm + Relationship = Regulation for our kids and the same is true for ourselves.[bctt tweet=”Repetition + Rhythm + Relationship = Regulation for our kids and the same is true for ourselves.” username=”corkboardblog”]
- Therapeutic listening via the Safe and Sound Protocol. This protocol uses specially filtered music to send cues of safety to our nervous system and creates permanent shifts in how we experience the world. It helps you feel less irritable and overwhelmed. It helps you think more clearly. And it helps you connect more openly.
- Aromatherapy. Our sense of smell gives us direct access to the limbic system. Biochemistry tells us what smells will send cues of regulation and psychology tells us that we can also anchor a specific scent to the safe and grounded state provided by the Safe and Sound Protocol.
As I wove these pieces into my daily practice, I started finding my way back to the mom and person I wanted to be. I’ve been dreaming about how to offer this gift to other parents, and I’m ready to launch The Regulation Rescue.
If you want to increase your patience and regulation or just be in a really good place before school lets out for the summer, click here to apply to join the next cohort of The Regulation Rescue.
]]>
It’s something that’s tricky to talk about because I don’t want to throw my kids under the bus. Their hurt and trauma are not their fault. However, child on parent violence is a real thing. And there are definitely not enough resources for parents who find themselves in this predicament.
Unlike other abusive relationships, you can’t walk away…unless you want to risk losing custody of your other children.
[bctt tweet=”Child on parent violence is a real thing. Unlike other abusive relationships, you can’t walk away. #adoptionishard” username=”corkboardblog”]
Four years after escaping the worst of our crisis, the PTSD still haunts us. Practically, it means I need a lot of rest. It may seem like we’re a busy family, but we carefully plan downtime into our schedule. I only have meetings and see clients two days a week. Most weekends, we spend the majority of the time on the sofa. Staying in relationship is important to us but also exhausting. We haven’t been able to be active in a church community in years.
I don’t share because I want pity. We’re actually in a really good place right now. I share because I want y’all to have a realistic view of us which is hard through social media. I also want to bring awareness to a mostly ignored reality of adoption. ⠀⠀⠀
So what do you do if you struggle with PTSD from child on parent violence?
First, find a safe community who understands. Isolation is the worst thing for an experience like this. We convince ourselves that we’re the only ones or even that we’re the problem. In our case, no one witnessed our child’s violence. In fact, she was charming to others which made me seem like such a bad mom because I didn’t have the same warm fuzzies that everyone else had.
Second, find a bodywork practice to release the trauma. I personally recommend Trauma or Tension Release Exercise (TRE). I try to practice this weekly, and it has changed my life. Other options are Brainspotting, EMDR, and the Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP).
Third, practice mindfulness. The first step of the REALife Behavior Plan I coach families through is reflecting on how a specific behavior affects you. How do you feel when it starts? Identify both the emotions that surface as well as any sensations you have in your body. The next part of the plan is to think about how to empower yourself in that moment to be in control and not let fear and panic drive your actions or close your mind to possible solutions. You need a pattern interrupt. The things that help our kids can also help us.
There’s so much more I could share, but I want to hear from you if you’ve experienced child on parent violence. Have you found resources in your community? What can I do to help?
If you’re an exhausted adoptive mom who feels trapped, I see you. Please reach out for help.
If you know an adoptive family, don’t judge them by their public appearance. They may be silently drowning.
