Of the 14 people that have lived in our house over the last decade, only 3 are White. The rest are Black or Asian or some combination.

I’ve experienced forms of racism and discrimination for as long as I can remember, and I’m Asian living near a fairly diverse metropolitan area. I know that the reality is harder in less diverse areas and for Black males. That’s probably an understatement.

Both of the Black males who have lived under our roof have had to stare the ugliness of racism in the face. One of our sons experienced it within 18 months of being in America IN. A. CHURCH! #christianfail

As transracial adoptive families, we have a unique position in light of Charlottesville. We have white privilege, but also understand how racism and bigotry is still alive and well. We are a bridge between two worlds.

[bctt tweet=”As transracial adoptive families…we are a bridge between 2 worlds. #racism #charlottesville” username=”corkboardblog”]

It pains me to see adoptive families scrubbing their Facebook friends lists based on folks’ reaction (or non-reaction) to defining events such as Charlottesville. It’s not so much about the friend list, but more that I hypothesize that they are also probably scrubbing their list of in-real-life friends as well.

Friends, if we, with our ability to speak into and for both worlds, don’t stand in the gap, who will?

Our 6’4” Black, city boy is not going to get an audience with any white person who needs a come-to-Jesus moment about racism. Honestly, I may not because I forget I am not seen as white as I feel #wholeotherblogpost. But you, white adoptive parent…you may get an audience.

Everyone has a story worth hearing. These broken people who have grown to believe that they are better than everyone else. They have a story, too. If you listen to their story, they may listen to yours.

Aside: Everyone should watch this Brene Brown video.

And as I quoted after the Baltimore riots, from the wise Dr. Karyn Purvis, what is “harmed in relationship…will come to experience healing in relationship.”[1]

The only way I’ve overcome my ignorance about people (culture, race, special needs) is to have relational experiences that beat down my preconceived notions. It’s so much harder to keep lies alive when the truth keeps worming its way into your heart. And the only way to reach people’s hearts is through Jesus and relationship.

Facebook posts might help you get something off your chest, but they aren’t solving anything. They aren’t convincing anyone. In fact, they are just drawing battle lines.

(The irony of how I’m communicating this manifesto isn’t lost on me. But in my defense, I’ve had this conversation in person already a couple times and plan on many more.)

This isn’t a battle. It’s relationship trauma.

[bctt tweet=”This isn’t a battle. It’s relationship trauma. #charlottesville” username=”corkboardblog”]

Trust-based Relational Intervention (TBRI), the clinically researched method that brings hurting people to healing, would tell us to figure out how to stay on the same side. Not on everything, but on something. Gardening. Ice Cream. Flip flops year round. Anything.

Find a point of connection and move forward from there.

This won’t be easy. In fact, I guarantee it will be hard. Hurt (adj) people hurt (v) people, so you will probably get hurt.

I will need every mindfulness and self-calming tool in the book to not burn bridges if someone tells me he is concerned with the “slow replacement of white heritage within the United States.”[2] #heavenhelpusall

But that young, ignorant whipper snapper is not going to be transformed by our Facebook feeds. He will need a powerful relationship encounter with someone he trusts…who maybe loves the same ice cream flavor as him.

So, what say you? Can we do the hard thing to change the world for our kids?

1. Freddie Gray was a black young man who was arrested and died in police custody.

2. Freddie’s death sparks protests which then turn violent and create a crazy, downward spiral throughout Baltimore City.

3. We own a coffee shop in the heart of the city.

4. We are a part of a church community in the heart of one of the most troubled areas of the city.

5. We have a black son who has already been the target of racism (in a church no less).

6. The yucky stuff has been around since Adam and Eve and will continue to be until Jesus returns.

7. God is still in control and desires both justice and righteousness (Thank you, Pastor George).

The Thoughts:

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about the situation at hand in view of our training in trauma and relational intervention. In such emotionally charged situations like this, it’s easy for each of us to be sucked in (even if we’re not directly effected).

As we’ve been helping our kids process this, we’ve been talking a lot about remembering that each of the people involved (on both sides) has a story. They are each individual people who God loves. They are individuals each making decisions. We are discouraging them from dehumanizing either side or making broad generalizations. Not all police are brutal and not all black men are guilty. Thousands of people are being impacted and each one has a story.

Sunday, at church, we were reminded that God desires both justice and righteousness. In therapeutic parenting, we attempt to create a similar seeming paradox between structure and nurture. A paradox that only a BIG GOD can accomplish. It’s been very easy over the past couple days to be paralyzed by hopelessness and to join one of the many social media choruses of disgust.

From the wise Dr. Karyn Purvis, what is “harmed in relationship…will come to experience healing in relationship.” These hurts and traumas run deep.

Patrick and I have spent a lot of time thinking about what our response should be as individuals, as a family, as business owners, and as The Church.

We want to think relationally.

We want to cling to the faithfulness of a God who can bring beauty from ashes.

We want to be light in darkness.

We want to have calm, thoughtful conversations about the underlying whys. It’s not as easy as short phrases like “race relations” and “police brutality.”

In other news, Grace had to stare racism directly in the face today. We’re praying about how we can respond that heals using relationship and in a way that is true to our faith. Pray hard because my first reaction was very Mama Bearish.