But parenting teens especially teens who are one age chronologically and entirely different ages social-emotionally, academically, etc can be super tricky.
Dan Hughes talks about having a PACE attitude when we parent. (Side note: I’m starting to realize it works in so many relationships including marriage and work).
But how can we apply this practically to our teens?
P: Playful
More than micromanaging screentime, friend choices, or schoolwork, our teens need us to find ways to have fun with them. Dr. Bruce Perry, well-known child trauma expert, tells us that maturity is the cumulation of positive social-emotional interactions a person has. If you think your teen needs to “grow up,” the best thing you can do is have fun with them and provide a safe relationship. Finding common activities that your teen will do with you might be tricky. I find food is usually a good bet. My husband joins them in gaming. I also try to appreciate being used as a taxi because it gives us “forced” quality time together. Sometimes I let them choose the music or sometimes we’ll stop for a quick treat…here I am back at food again!
[bctt tweet=”If you think your teen needs to “grow up,” the best thing you can do is have fun with them and provide a safe relationship.” username=”corkboardblog”]
A: Accepting
As our teens grow into their own people with their own preferences, it can be hard to accept their choices. But our kids have told us that one of the things we did right over the years was be their biggest cheerleader in their choices and helping them recognize their strengths. Our kids will thrive when they have a sense of purpose, but the tricky thing is that it has to be their choice! I describe two ways this is playing out with our teens in the video below.
C: Curious
It can be easy to assume the worst about our teens, but jumping to quick conclusions will always drive your teen away. You can’t fake this one! In the video below, I share a recent example of this.
E: Empathetic
Even if you can’t relate to your teen’s angst, be empathetic towards it. (What I want to say, but what you should say instead).
If you need support, encouragement or just some solidarity as you parent your teens, click here to see our upcoming dates for Teen and Young Adult Q&A’s.
]]>Go Shopping
You set the budget and timeframe, but turn over control for everything else. Let your teen decided where to shop and what to buy. You might be tempted to weigh in, but resist! As long as it’s legal, go for it!
Play a Game
Even as teens, play is the best way to learn life lessons around social skills and problem-solving. Playful engagement keeps the nervous system open for learning and building relationship. Explore all types of games. Board games. Yard games. And, yes, even video games. If your teen struggles with losing, try collaborative games.
Dance Party
Activities that are rhythmic, repetitive, relational, and move our bodies are regulating. Dance parties can be all of those things and are so much fun! Let your teen choose the music. If they’re resistant, hold dance parties for yourself regularly anyway. Eventually, they’ll roll their eyes and join you for a beat or two 
Just don’t turn it into a control battle.
Cook Together
Cooking is a practical way to spend time together. You need to do it anyway, and they need to learn to do it for themselves at some point. Invite your teen into the process as much as possible. Let them choose the recipes. Create a shopping list together. Go shopping together. If they don’t take direction easily from you, try learning a new kitchen skill together.
Our oldest son is currently converting our old 15-passenger van into a van house. Did I have reservations about the practicality when he proposed the idea? Of course. Has he made costly mistakes along the way? Yes.
Our youngest daughter is currently figuring out how to hang 18 feet of aerial silks in our backyard so she can learn to do drops. Am I afraid she’ll end up with a broken bone? Yes.
[bctt tweet=”Ultimately our teens need a sense of purpose and a cheerleader in their corner. Read more on connecting with adopted teens.” username=”corkboardblog”]
In both cases, we made conscious decisions to be the cheerleaders, not the naysayers. Ultimately our teens need a sense of purpose and a cheerleader in their corner. The best ways to connect are found by following their lead. We’re entering into their world with as much enthusiasm as we can muster. Because they feel like we’re on their team, they are accepting a tip here and there from us. We’re all learning a lot!
How do you and your teen connect?
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Here are the top 5 mistakes parents make when using consequences:
- We forget to reflect and regulate first which results in reacting instead of responding.
- We address our child’s chronological age instead of their emotional/developmental age.
- We use punishments instead of supports and accommodations.
- We don’t increase nurture to balance out the increased structure.
- We create unsustainable situations.
[bctt tweet=”Are you making any of these five mistakes when using consequences with your kids?” username=”corkboardblog”]
I made all five of these mistakes recently.
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I’ve met amazing people during our family’s crazy journey, and the unCorked Podcast is my way of introducing their amazing stories to you!
Karen Harris is a veteran, homeschooling mama to many. She has a great sense of humor and no-nonsense parenting style. We chat about what she’s learned from decades of parenting and her new book project.
Her kids also recently released a new musical project.
Check them out at www.praisewarriors.com.
What was your biggest takeaway from Karen’s pearly words of wisdom? Tag your answer with #theuncorkedpodcast.
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What I Envisioned
He would get up by 10AM because that’s the rule we all agreed upon. #sillyme
What really happened
He would “forget” to set an alarm or set it on the iPAD and then leave it somewhere around the house where it would annoy all of us at 10AM but not wake him up. If I wasn’t home, he would roll out when he naturally woke up which was after 1PM on more days that I’d rather admit. Let’s not mention that time I came home from a field trip with Ty after 3PM and found myself locked out. My ringing of the doorbell woke him up. After 3PM!
Traditional Parent Tendency
Before tapping into connected parenting, I would’ve reiterated the rule with a consequence that went something like, “If you’re not up by 10am, you lose your video game privilege for the day.” The problem with this is that it doesn’t provide any additional tools to my child and creates lots of turmoil and tension. If I’m completely honest with myself, not waking up on time and an entire day of lost privilege is probably overdramatic. What if I could find a more effective, simpler solution that didn’t evoke more teenage angst than we’re already due?
[bctt tweet="What if I could find a simpler solution that didn’t evoke more #teenage angst? #parenting" username="corkboardblog"]
The Compromise
My inner dialogue went something like this:
“If sleeping in is the worse part of his teenage years, count your blessings.”
“How can anyone possibly sleep until 3PM?!?!”
“He’s obviously showing you that he doesn’t have the ability to get up at 10AM without some help.”
“This isn’t hard! I had to get up on my own starting in 6th grade. I even remember when my mom bought me my first alarm clock that school year.”
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! Alarm clock. When I was in 6th grade, my alarm clock was permanently set and plugged into the wall near my bed, and it’s only job was to get me up each morning. There was no, “I set my alarm but left it on the kitchen table.”
I set off to find an “old-fashioned” alarm clock. By “old-fashioned,” I mean a digital radio alarm clock. Set it for 10am and plugged it in next to his ear. Problem mostly solved.
Alternative Solution
Send in the irresistibly cute nephew to bounce the sleepy teenager awake. The sleepy teenager is way more receptive to the irresistibly cute nephew bouncing him awake as opposed to the sing-songy voice of the chipper mom announcing, "Wakey, wakey! Eggs and bakey!" and throwing back the covers--especially when there's really no "eggs and bakey."
The Rest of the Story
In a decision left completely up to him, PJ has decided to try out public school in the fall. While I know he's looking forward to the social aspects, I think he also knows he needs some additional accountability in his life--and self-imposed accountability is so much better. Stay tuned. I imagine there will be some forthcoming tales on our learning curve of how to get this particular teenager acclimated to a new "normal."
If you parent (or have parented) teens, what is your wake-up routine? How do you keep them accountable?
