I’ve been there. Our third child did not respond to any of the parenting strategies that had worked for our first two. Instead, his behavior got more aggressive. I dreaded every day because I knew it would be a never-ending battle.
The good news is that we found some answers. Our days aren’t perfect, but I’m confident in how we’re parenting. Ty is also thriving and happy.
I wrote this week at Child Nexus about what I wish I would have known. Click here to read the post.
[bctt tweet=”The good news is that we found some answers. Our days aren’t perfect, but I’m confident in how we’re parenting. @ChildNexus” username=”corkboardblog”]
A lot of moms (myself included) start to see their child as the adversary when bad behavior persists. One of the most helpful visuals that I learned when becoming a parent trainer was to stay on the same side as your child. Instead of imagining you against your child and his aggression, think about you and your child fighting the aggression together. It's a subtle, but powerful shift. It allowed me to keep some semblance of compassion toward my child instead of feeding the resentment monster.
"We need a common enemy to unite us." ~Condoleezza Rice
Here's a letter I penned to trauma (our family's common enemy) a while ago. It has a lot of great reminders that I still need.
Dear Trauma,
I’ll have to admit, you took us by surprise. You caught us off guard. It’s a pretty clever disguise you have–”pretty” is the wrong word. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you are probably the ugliest thing we have ever encountered.
Anyway, we’re on to you, and we’re here to help you change your ways.
When you feel the need to steal, we’ll be here to remind you words are a more effective way to meet your needs–and we will always meet your needs. Our sincere apologies in advance for when we do something to make you feel otherwise. We’ll learn together.
When you feel the need to lie, we’ll go searching for the truth together. We won’t hold it against you. We know your reality may be too much to handle on your own, but remember, we are in this together.
When you feel so insecure that you turn mean and nasty to feel in control, we’ll help you with kindness and unconditional love. We’ll share some of our control to prove that we’re trustworthy. That should kick that nastiness in the butt.
When you are loud and active and obnoxious, we’ll do our best to find an activity that organizes all that sensory input (or lack thereof) so you can find your calm, contented place.
When you just can’t seem to learn one more concept or memorize one more fact, we’ll give you some space. When you are Trust instead of Trauma, we’ll try again. Trust will have a much better ability to learn.
The road to your new identity will be bumpy but let’s stick together. Sometimes you’ll be able to fool us, but we're on to you.
Sincerely,
One Smart Mama
[bctt tweet="Helpful #parenting tip: Stay on the same side as your child. Go after a common enemy together. #momhack" username="corkboardonline"]
It's so easy to forget this simple concept of staying on the same side as your child. Grab a printable copy for your fridge, bathroom mirror, and as a reference for your tatoo artist when he puts it on your forehead.
Reccia is an expert equine professional in the Natural Lifemanship model. She is dedicated to helping individuals and families end destructive relational patterns that create generational trauma in families and societies. My conversation with her was inspiring and challenging and so relevant to everything I feel like God is trying to teach me. We use the context of adoption and kids in foster care, but the principles are true for anyone who has any relationship …so all of us.
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While I love the mild weather and beautiful warm colors of fall, I would rather skip the “ber” months—September, October, November, December—all together.
Let’s start with the lack of sunlight. I’m one of those seasonal affective people who needs the sun to be shining in order for me to feel like being productive. I’ve played with vitamin D supplements and UV lamps, but they are poor substitutes for a beautiful, sunny day.
Then, when I’m at my lowest, there is a major holiday (aka. schedule disrupter during which I’m supposed to pull off extra Pinterest-magic) in e.v.e.r.y. s.i.n.g.l.e. “ber” month.
September rolls in with Back-to-School. I admit this may feel like a stretch to some and certainly doesn’t apply to everyone, but let me tell you how it is from my life stage. First, it’s a major transition. For families with trauma kids, federal law should mandate extra paid FMLA during seasonal transitions. Trauma kids do NOT transition well. From extra rages to psychosomatic illnesses, managing a transitioning trauma child is like having an extra 20 hour a week job. Meanwhile, I’m also usually scrambling together last minute curriculum plans for our homeschooled children as innumerable social media posts of other family’s groomed and coordinated children holding “First day of Xth Grade” signs mock me.
As we’re fighting to find our school rhythm, Halloween costume conversations become something I can’t push off any more. I didn’t grow up celebrating Halloween (that’s a post for another time), and I really struggle to get excited about spending money on costumes my kids wear once only in order to bring bucket loads of candy into my house that I don’t want and one of them can’t even eat. Not to mention that I have to walk them around in the “ber” cold to get this unwanted candy. Sorry, October, I could really do without your holiday.
Just as everyone is coming down from their sugar high, it’s Thanksgiving. This is probably a good place to explain that trauma kids regulate (or dysregulate) on external stimuli. They usually do not have the capability to regulate off of internal mechanisms so they are victim to whatever is going on around them. Holidays produce elevated emotions (some positive like anticipation and some negative like stress). Trauma kids’ bodies translate it all as stress and it puts them at high alert which makes them living hell to live with on a good day. Throw in holiday travel of which Thanksgiving weekend is the worst because everyone leaves on Wednesday night and returns Sunday, and I could also skip November.
Oh, Christmas. How I want to love thee. After all, you are arguably the most important holiday of my faith. But why must you be so materialistic? If I hear another list of things my kids “need,” I am going to scream! My top love language is debatable but everyone agrees that it is NOT gifts. Therefore, I struggle to buy gifts just to buy gifts, but finding the perfect gift for everyone takes lots of time that I don’t have since I’m also supposed to be decorating, baking, and sending cards. Decorating. I love the idea of a tree. I love the piney smell and the glow of the lights. It’s the addition of a large shedding object into an already overcrowded house and the fight of who is going to put which ornaments on the tree where that makes me want to hibernate until spring. Dealing with trauma kids and my own issues with having to disrupt our routine, does not leave me with enough margin or patience to fit in holiday extras. Here’s the icing on the cake: I get questioned all month by my kiddos about why we don’t xyz like all the other families. I don’t even need Facebook or Pinterest to rub it in my face. #mommyfailure.
We do have a couple simple traditions I love like our prayer chain and the sibling gift exchange. My 12-year-old, just reminded me yesterday that we missed the start of prayer chain season, and my 10-year-old reminded me that we didn’t pick names for the sibling gift exchange over Thanksgiving like I promised. #doubleandtriplemommyfailure.
Excuse me while I go hole up with the pre-Marley Scrooge until Spring.
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Note to self: When dealing with kids from trauma, never underestimate the toll that transitions can take.
While most of the world was posing for “first day of school” photos and waltzing off with shiny new school supplies, the hypervigilance in our house skyrocketed at an alarming pace. Patrick had to be home 4 of the last 9 school days.
On the plus side, only one of those days was this week. So here’s hoping for next week.
Despite the trauma drama, we are accomplishing some school. At least that’s what the photos seem to say.
