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Comments on: Older Child Adoption | What I Would Have Done Differently https://www.thecorkboardonline.com/2016/02/older-child-adoption-what-i-would-have-done-differently/ Fri, 01 Feb 2019 23:42:27 +0000 hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.5.8 By: Kate https://www.thecorkboardonline.com/2016/02/older-child-adoption-what-i-would-have-done-differently/#comment-315090 Fri, 01 Feb 2019 23:42:27 +0000 http://www.thecorkums.com/?p=7104#comment-315090 In reply to Elle Michelle.

Thank you for the words of advice. I am very laid back and I think running things like a group home at first and making sure boundariesxsre established to show parents matter too is good advice.

]]> By: Melissa https://www.thecorkboardonline.com/2016/02/older-child-adoption-what-i-would-have-done-differently/#comment-314982 Mon, 21 Jan 2019 13:54:11 +0000 http://www.thecorkums.com/?p=7104#comment-314982 In reply to Pam Sarrell.

Pam, Thanks for your vulnerability and honesty. I get it.

]]> By: Pam Sarrell https://www.thecorkboardonline.com/2016/02/older-child-adoption-what-i-would-have-done-differently/#comment-314973 Sun, 20 Jan 2019 23:58:33 +0000 http://www.thecorkums.com/?p=7104#comment-314973 Loving this truth. We have adopted 5. 4 out of foster care and 1 privately. We also have 3 biological kids. I am sighing deeply as I am typing. I love adoption and foster care. I teach pre-approval foster parent classes. It I so beyond difficult to explain why i love this and at the same time how hard this is. It’s not an easy work or one to be entered with out training. We have learned to lean heavy on counselors for foster, adoptive, birth kids and for us as parents. This is not like raising birth children. I didn’t understand how much this would cost all of us. I couldn’t have planned for the pain it caused my birth kids either. But the flip side is LOVE., strength, and making a difference in lives. You are as alone in so many ways. Most parents dont get it. Others try to praise you for what great work you are doing. When you feel like screaming about how you are failing completely. Survival is in the calling. The burning with in my soul to help. To not leave them alone. I can’t just turn my back and keep going. Some days, I wish I could. But some times glad that I won’t. These kids have worth. They have meaning. They need love and deserve it. We are Gids source of provision.

]]> By: Melissa https://www.thecorkboardonline.com/2016/02/older-child-adoption-what-i-would-have-done-differently/#comment-303184 Fri, 17 Feb 2017 12:56:07 +0000 http://www.thecorkums.com/?p=7104#comment-303184 In reply to Jennifer.

Jennifer,
I’m glad you found us! We had a lot of experience with teens before adopting…although not as houseparents. It’s just so different when YOU’RE the parent. Many prayers as you walk this journey with your kiddos. Stop back if you ever need to connect or feel like you need a dose of sanity!

]]> By: Jennifer https://www.thecorkboardonline.com/2016/02/older-child-adoption-what-i-would-have-done-differently/#comment-303170 Fri, 17 Feb 2017 04:25:42 +0000 http://www.thecorkums.com/?p=7104#comment-303170 So glad that I stumbled upon this post. My hubby and I are adopting siblings, but have been houseparents and had long term relationships with some of the kids that we have had in care. We have had such varying experience over the years, that when we talk about our very real fears of struggling through the first couple years of a new adoption, our friends look at us like we are crazy. All of our friends just feel like we are going to bring these kiddos in our life and it will take a few months and then all of sudden we will have perfect, appreciative, respectful children. When you were writing about the amount of years that it takes to see real change in the life of a child, it was so on point with the experience that we have had. We are so excited about growing our family, but it was very refreshing to hear a balanced viewpoint.

]]> By: Melissa https://www.thecorkboardonline.com/2016/02/older-child-adoption-what-i-would-have-done-differently/#comment-296983 Mon, 12 Sep 2016 02:01:43 +0000 http://www.thecorkums.com/?p=7104#comment-296983 In reply to Maurice A Haynes Gatling.

Maurice,

I’m so sorry it’s been such a horrible experience for you. Having also adopted a younger child and networking with folks who have adopted all ages, it’s not necessarily easier or “better” with younger children.

]]> By: Maurice A Haynes Gatling https://www.thecorkboardonline.com/2016/02/older-child-adoption-what-i-would-have-done-differently/#comment-296980 Mon, 12 Sep 2016 01:01:29 +0000 http://www.thecorkums.com/?p=7104#comment-296980 Honestly, I would not have adopted. My experience was horrible. If I ever chose to do this again, I will try to adopt a four or five year old.

]]> By: Melissa https://www.thecorkboardonline.com/2016/02/older-child-adoption-what-i-would-have-done-differently/#comment-294006 Thu, 02 Jun 2016 23:23:43 +0000 http://www.thecorkums.com/?p=7104#comment-294006 In reply to Elle Michelle.

Elle,
I was just having a conversation with someone about how I wish we had structured our home more like an institution when our kids first came home. It’s what they were used to and I think going from institution to family plus the language and country switch was a complete shock to their system which had serious backlash. Not sure if starting like an institution and then slowly moving more toward healthy family life would have worked, but we had going wasn’t a great option either.

]]> By: Elle Michelle https://www.thecorkboardonline.com/2016/02/older-child-adoption-what-i-would-have-done-differently/#comment-294002 Thu, 02 Jun 2016 22:32:14 +0000 http://www.thecorkums.com/?p=7104#comment-294002 Powerful read… I agree with you on most points. I would started parenting based on all of the rules and regulations which she was accustomed to at the group home. I gave her too much freedom too soon and she was 16 in years, but was not mature enough to handle the freedom and privileges I afforded her.

I would have reacted more because I took all of her actions as “trying me” and didn’t react at all and I think she interpreted my lack of reaction as a lack of care for her.

I would have. even clearer about her emotional age earlier in order to prepare to parent her based on same vs her physical age.

I would have given her fewer options and managed her in a way that met my needs as well as hers. I would have used the same language I use at work, “No, that’s not going to work for me”, “That is not required” “That is not the best use of my time”, etc.; so that she was aware that I also mattered and was clear that it was not ALL about her. This would have preserved my sanity and control.

She was removed from my home after a month, based on her behavior. Behavior that I didn’t react to, so it escalated and resulted in a failed attempt. And I stood by and let tgat happen. I expected her to self manage/regulate after seeing that I would not judge her or send her bavk as a reult of acting out. And often warned her that her actions have consequences beyond my control. She kept playing with me until she eventually played herself. I was equally saddened and releived when she left. Maybe a bit more saddened than relieved, but not much more.

I am now a CASA/GAL and trying to help kids in care from a different angle and reassessing if adoption of a teenage girl as a single professional woman is right for me. We’ll see…

]]> By: Melissa https://www.thecorkboardonline.com/2016/02/older-child-adoption-what-i-would-have-done-differently/#comment-293983 Thu, 02 Jun 2016 11:33:54 +0000 http://www.thecorkums.com/?p=7104#comment-293983 In reply to AdoptiveBlackMom.

It’s quite a journey. Glad you found some encouragement. Know that you are not alone!

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