For whatever reason (probably because God designed us this way), we do not like to feel alone or singled out. There is power in knowing you are not alone. This is blessing and a curse. It depends on what the group is doing.
Helping others. Good.
Jumping off a bridge. Bad.
Finding others who have reconciled a broken marriage. Good.
You get the picture.
There is great relief when bearing your struggles results in finding someone else who can relate. It makes you feel more “normal.” The problem is that we (especially we who call ourselved Christians) are not so great at being transparent. We put our best foot forward because it’s too embarrassing to show the other foot or because we think we’ll be judged (or because we have been judged) or because we’re sure no one will understand.
Whether it be marriage, parenting, or adopting, we often paint rosy pictures of how awesome they are. And they are…don’t get me wrong. But the truth is that for as awesome as they are, they can be equally challenging. We are human afterall. Research shows that having realistic expectations upfront increases your satisfaction about the situation later.
Imagine thinking adopting was all joy and celebration because you were rescuing an orphan and giving him a home and then realizing (the hard way) it also involves grief and sadness and frustrations. If no one had told you to expect that, you might think you were a bad mommy or dysfunctional and definitely all alone. That might lead you to think that you made a bad decision and you weren’t the right home for a child afterall. But if you knew that with all the joys and milestones came sorrows and pains and were connected with a community of families who were walking that road and rejoicing with the victories and pressing through the challenges, you would feel “normal” and encouraged. You would keep on because others had before you and they were helping you see the light at the end of the tunnel.
The same is true for parenting and marriages. That’s why it’s important to be transparent with our struggles while keeping them in perspective. Find friends who share similar values to you (and some who don’t) who you can walk through life with you and help you feel “normal.” There is power in community.
What are the communities that have held you up over the years?
my unrealistic frame of reference falls on the other side of the fence. shows like toddlers and tiaras, my super sweet sixteen, and nanny 911 make me feel like i'm the most awesome, dedicated, conscientious, having-it-all-together mom and wife ever. they're my reality tv comfort objects. i'm not planning on weaning myself anytime soon.
to speak of perspective-marriage, parenting, adoption, careers, triathlons, pretty much any major life experience can be just a little more rewarding, a little more appreciated, if you had to work (hard) to get to that great place. by the way, hard work isn't easy. that's why it's called hard. i'm just saying.
my unrealistic frame of reference falls on the other side of the fence. shows like toddlers and tiaras, my super sweet sixteen, and nanny 911 make me feel like i'm the most awesome, dedicated, conscientious, having-it-all-together mom and wife ever. they're my reality tv comfort objects. i'm not planning on weaning myself anytime soon.
to speak of perspective-marriage, parenting, adoption, careers, triathlons, pretty much any major life experience can be just a little more rewarding, a little more appreciated, if you had to work (hard) to get to that great place. by the way, hard work isn't easy. that's why it's called hard. i'm just saying.