How is school going? #womenslives

I’m trying to be positive and enjoy the fact that pushing our most volatile child to school has dramatically changed the daily atmosphere in our house for the better. However each interaction with the school leaves me reeling.

“She has been super cooperative for me.”

Of course she has. You’re not a safe person in her book nor are you a threat to her emotionally, yet. I felt it necessary to disclose her behavioral diagnoses to you so you would understand notes that read, “We are choosing not to do homework…ever.” I tried to explain that I was fully confident that she wouldn’t act out for you because of how her attachment issues manifest themselves. I tried to explain her viscous violence was reserved for special people…like her family. When you state how she acts for you in that way, you make it sound like you think I’m the problem. That if I just treated her a certain way or change my attitude, I could get the same result. I’ve spent over 2 years trying to be the mom my daughter wants and coming up short pretty much every time. I’m exhausted and tired and sometimes really angry. When I hear you say that, I come home and cry.

 “She’s really a delight to have here.”

I’m jealous we can’t feel that way about her at home. Deep down I know she’s a great kid, but a hurt one. It’s so unfortunate that the people that care about her the most are also the ones that make her feel the most unsafe. Damn attachment disorder. The entire family has sacrificed for her…financially, with our time, and emotionally, and we still get treated like the enemy. My head gets it. My heart is sick and tired of living it. I hate that you, comparatively, invest almost nothing, but you get her best side. 

Aside: I know it’s typical for kids to do better for other adults. We have healthily attached kids and see that. What I’m talking about here is different…way different.

“She’s doing amazing well for only having been here 2 years and having never been to school.”

First, she’s spent over three years here fully immersed in English. That year travelling in a choir totally counts. She is not like your typical ESL students who go home and revert back to their native tongue. Second, if you say she’s never had formal schooling one more time and negate the blood, sweat, and tears of homeschooling her for the last 2 and a half years, I might punch you. I know this may sound petty, but it sounds like you’re giving her all the credit. If you only knew thankless, endless hours of having her repeat back the proper English and pronunciation so she would be understood in public.

Then there’s the comments from her.

“Ugggh…I hate being in this house. I can’t wait for school tomorrow.”

While you well-meaning readers are thinking, “Win! She wants to go to school!” I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face. I want her to want to go to school, but I don’t want her to want to go because she hates being here and hates us. See the difference?

“Mom, I like when they make me read and answer questions. We HAVE to do it and it’s helping me learn.”

Excuse me? What the H-E-Double-Hockeysticks do you think I was asking you to do? This delusion that I am a horrible teacher and was the obstacle to your learning and all your teachers are now your saviors is one I’m not strong enough to take without waves of intense, negative emotion rolling over me.

Really I’m torn over this whole school thing.

I don’t want to feel guilty or like a failure (thank you, homeschool community), and I don’t want to celebrate that we’re doing the best thing for our family. I don’t feel like celebrating that the thing we had to do to keep everyone safe involves sending her to a place where the state is mandating she learn how to add fractions when she still can’t subtract 2-digit numbers, where she’s being forced to send a Valentine to someone (which wouldn’t be so bad except she thinks is the equivalent of asking a boy to marry her), and where her ESL teacher speaks with such a heavy accent that she can’t understand him.

I’m relieved and extremely sad. Sad that this is our life. That trauma has done this to her and us.

I don’t get warm fuzzies about the school’s ability to educate her. Their hands are tied and they will be able to do little to meet her where she is academically. I hate that I can’t really care about that right now. I hate that this part of our family’s healing means putting her education on the back burner.

Yea, so that’s how school’s going.

School

#womenslives

Posted in Adoption and Orphan Care, Education and Homeschooling, Life and tagged .

12 Comments

  1. I have been there. I do understand and it is not easy. RAD is difficult. I trust that you are able to have renewed strength.

  2. Praying for you, my friend, knowing intimately how we only trade one trauma-related behavior and consequences for another when we choose to give in or give up…for our own heart, mind and soul’s sake, AND for their sake – whether they ever understand it or truly benefit from it or not. You are a brave soul. I know it was therapeutic, though challenging, to write this.

  3. You know I’ve felt every single emotion your wrote here. Often. One [hopefully encouraging note] is, for one of our sons, I do think him getting a break from us eventually made him less stressed- by a lot. He started absorbing more language and learning at home because he was less stressed out. It still stinks. I have learned that I do better if I only disclose as much as I have to. The truth is, I think I spent 15 months or so accepting my son does better with others, and by the time I finally accepted it, he had begun to do better with me. Hang in there. Your journey and your child are unique. But, I hope you can give yourself a break from worrying about who may be judging you. You are working hard to do what’s best for your whole family- even though it is extremely difficult. I’m amazed at your patience!

  4. Oh Melissa – This article had me crying . For you, for Grace, for me, for Cristine …… I so remember going through the same emotions – such a mixed bag – when we decided to out Cristine in Dulaney. So jealous that they got the “best of her”, so angry for all she was putting our family through, so sad that I was never going to get the relationship with my daughter I desperately craved (still feeling that one !!! )
    Two years later, it is comforting to know that we weathered through it. To know that it was the right choice, to know that we all turned out ok in the end. It is still a struggle but we are now at peace with the struggle.

  5. while i am in no way comparing our situations, i just want to assure you that i have run up against some of the same comments and attitudes in the educational sphere and i have just about the same reaction that you do. sadly, in the past, i held some of those same views and attitudes but the Lord has allowed me to see and experience some things that have changed those previously uninformed and arrogant points of view. Do not grow weary. You will reap… in due time.

  6. I can hear how weary and frustrated you are. 🙁

    I’m sorry the homeschool community has made you feel like a failure. I get it. We have a large family, and while I’m homeschooling 2 of my kids this year (and have been homeschooling 1-5 kids every year for the past 17 years), I’m “less of” a homeschooler because I also have kids in 3 different schools. Which is no picnic, either.

    I hope you have people in your life who are validating your feelings. RAD sucks, and there’s no way around that. You’re obviously doing everything you can for her. Please remember to recharge your own batteries, too.

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