A couple weeks ago, I wrote about breaking down walls within the adoption community. This week I want to challenge adoptive families to evaluate the walls between them and the rest of the world. An adoptive mom recently posted the following in a transracial adoptive family forum:
I had a conversation with a friend recently and the topic of our international adoption support group came up, like it does almost every time I speak with her. She almost always asks if we’ve gotten together with our support group lately. I always thought she was somewhat supportive of this support group, but I’m starting to think she’s opposed to it or maybe she’s jealous that she’s not part of it. Shortly after we adopted our son, she came right out and said she was jealous that we constantly had fun gatherings with this new group of friends we had.
She goes on to tell her friend that she could join in the fun if she adopted.
I’ll be honest. I had to sit and think about this for a minute when I first read it. I thought about how I would respond if put in a similar situation. On one hand, adoptive families have some unique bonds as parents that a non-adoptive family will never understand. Just like parents of only girls may never fully relate to parents of only boys. I fully advocate for support groups in parenting. On the other hand, would I necessarily not include a non-adoptive parent from a group (especially one who obviously wanted to know what all the fuss was about)? Some argue it’s a slippery slope and pretty soon the group will just be another playgroup and not an adoption support group. I would argue that there are not that many non-adoptive families who would wish to join when they would probably feel a little left out most of the time since they wouldn’t be able to relate to the topic of conversation. The few that will come probably are just curious and would not come more than once or twice once their curiosity was satisfied or would stick around because they really came to find out about the process and a future adoptive family.
In the end, I think adoption support groups should be welcoming of non-adoptive families. In the past, adoptive families have been their share of touchy and non-approachable. However, we expect those around us to use appropriate adoption language and not ask “stupid” questions. We can’t have our cake and eat it too. If we expect the world to respect us and our stories, we need to do our part in being transparent so the world can learn and attempt to enter and understand our stories as much as they are able. I think I’ve said this before but if we don’t educate, who will? The misnomers about adoption will only be eliminated as far as we, the adoption community, are willing to let the world in.