Two hot words in the adoption community: attachment and bonding.
There are probably as many differing definitions for each of these as there are licensed psychologists. For our purposes, let’s say bonding is the continuous cycle of a parent meeting the needs of a child in order to build trust. Attachment is the emotional bond between two people.
I find that when most parents worry about attachment and bonding, they worry about the child’s ability to attach and bond. Dreaded acronyms like ODD* and RAD** are whispered when the worst in attachment is feared.
*Oppositional Defiance Disorder
**Reactive Attachment Disorder
May I suggest that attachment is a two-way street and it is equally important to acknowledge that parents can have trouble attaching as well? This may seem counter intuitive since the parents are the ones deciding to bring a new child into their home. It’s often taken for granted that the desire to attach is synonymous with the ability to attach or that the desire overrides circumstances. There are a couple reasons a parent may have trouble attaching (even if the child has attached to the parent):
- Expectations. Sometimes perspective adoptive parents get themselves so psyched up about their child that when he actually arrives it seems a little anti-climatic. When the emotional expectations are not met, depression can follow which inhibits attachment.
- Behavior. It is hard to feel ushy-gushy feelings of love for a child or immediately turns your house into a war zone upon entry.
- Personality. Some people take time to develop attachment toward anyone–even biological child. This delayed attachment is usually overlooked in relationships where attachment and bonding isn’t examined daily with a fine-tooth comb. It’s not an “adoption thing,” it’s just a personality thing but there’s a tendency to make everything an “adoption thing” if that’s an option.
If you find yourself in the boat of delayed or non-attachment, you’re not alone and there is help out there. Contacting your local church, agency or social worker is a good place to start.