Positive adoption language is to the adoption community as politically correct is to the rest of the world.
While I agree that adopted children and children who physically grew in your womb should not be valued differently, there is a distinct difference between the adopted children and the non-adopted children in your home that no amount of “correct” language is going to change. I wish we could spend more time celebrating each person’s uniqueness and unique story and less time stressing over whether the word “biological” will make adopted children feel less “real.”
We were recently told that we should always be sure to say that Ty “was” adopted instead of “is” adopted because it can negatively impact his self-image. Really!?!? If we’re going to raise him to be that self-conscious about the language that people use, he’s going to have much bigger problems than just “was” and “is.” Teaching him to be that sensitive to adoption language is going to make him much more self-conscious about his adoption story than helping to him to be secure in who he is and teaching him that part of the privilege of being adopted is that we can help teach others about it.
The fact of the matter is that he and I are adopted. It’s part of our identity and story, and it’s a privilege. I am honored to be able to speak from a perspective of being adopted. It’s permanent so it doesn’t make sense to me to talk about it in the past. However, if you slip up and say “were,” I probably won’t notice because it’s not that big of a deal.
As far as how we distinguish between our children (or even if we’re supposed to). Again, the truth is that Ty is adopted. While we certainly do not under value him, it has an impact on how we parent him. Ironically, the same folks who adamantly say we should never point out that he’s adopted are having us read 5 books that are all about how parenting an adopted child is completely different than parenting children who were birthed to you (apparently “bio kids” is out now because all people are biologicaly…ooy vay). Of course we don’t walk around saying, “I’ll take the bio kids to swimming while you take the adopted one to gymnastics,” but we do talk about his adoption frequently to others. One, because we are passionate about orphan care and, two, because we find that most people are very curious about adoption (in a good way) and are looking for honest, candid information from adoptive families. If we walk around denying that all our kids are “ours” and whether or not any of them are adopted doesn’t matter, we can never have those conversations or recognize the uniqueness of our children.
We’ve chosen to call PJ and Mia biological (aka, bio) when we want to distinguish them. After all they are biologically related to us. It does not mean we do not think Ty is a biological person. So silly. Besides, as an adopted person, I do not have many people in my life who I can say are biologically related to me so it’s kinda fun to say I have biological kids. Maybe I would have even called them that if we hadn’t adopted.
There will always be ignorant and rude people out there that ask when you’ll get “real” children but do they really warrant all this hype? I personally think we give them way too much power over us.
Yes – most definitely represents more than just your opinion. 🙂 Maybe it's not an especially popular one, @ least not in the circle of adoptees I've talked to (or even adoptive parents…) but – I getcha!! 🙂
I know! I thought that was funny, too – I've been lurking on the Holt boards off & on for the past couple of years & noticed you went by misslissa – so funny 🙂
Elissa,
I'm glad it represents more than just my opinion. I couldn't help but notice your email, too. One of my nicknames is misslissa. Seems we have a lot in common!
THANK YOU!!!!!!! For posting this!!! I'm adopted (haha, see?) & half the time say, “I was adopted from Korea” & the other half say, “I'm adopted”…. depending on the situation, context, person I'm talking to… you know. No biggie… Ok, very simply put, for me personally, I find my identity in Christ, not my adoption.. which… I know alot of adoptees might not feel this way but this is what has changed my focus to the positive. Ignoring my adoption & its effects? No… but letting it control my life or emotions or letting others have so much power over me as to horribly offend me by using incorrect adoption terms? No… most people who have said the “wrong” thing have been people who are so sweet & loving, just simply have never been exposed to adoption in the way I have.
Anyways, all rambling aside, you have perfectly summed up what I've felt for a long time about adoption terms & usage… so again I shall say – thank you!
That's kinda where I am with raising our kids. While I don't necessarily agree with others that say inherently adoption requires you to parent you child different from your bio children, I think all children require different parenting depending on all of their life experiences. We have a heart kid with ADHD that requires different parenting than another bio child we have. Each of our adopted children are parenting differently, as well, based on their personalities and experiences. I don't really focus too much on the adoption language unless it seems someone's trying to be offensive. I want the kids (all of my kids) to understand that sometimes people say things and they just don't come out the way the person is intending. It doesn't mean they're trying to hurt you. But, sometimes you can tell they are and sometimes you will choose to take up the fight and other times you will choose to walk away because it's not worth your time. As is always true in life. Thanks for the post and perspective.