As I perused the January issue of Parents Magazine*, I came across an interesting article that explored the differences in American versus French parenting styles. The author describes her emergence from an over-protective, gear-laden America to a laid back, parent-centered France. While I’m not sure I would send my preschooler on an overnight, teacher-chaperoned, trip across the Channel, I certainly subscribe to the philosophy that “kids are not king.” I think American parents, in general, tend to martyr themselves for the sake of their kids. Do you know how many empty-nester couples find themselves in divorce court because once their kids are gone they have nothing in common anymore? They probably had lots of common interests at some point but let them die with the birth of parenthood. In France (and probably most of Europe), “most children are expected to adapt to the grown-up world, not the other way around” and “boundaries are upheld not only because they’re considered good for the children, but because they protect the sanctity of a couple’s private life.” I would argue, they protect the sanctity of the couple…period.
*If you don’t get Parents, you can probably pick it up at your local library (that is if it’s not buried in 3 feet of snow). Check page 58 for the article entitled “French Lessons.”
Jealous of the French (at least where parenting is concerned)? Try these…
- Create space for yourselves. In our house that means, the kids are not out of bed until 7AM. If your child is old enough to recognize a number on a digital clock, you can enforce this rule. Cover all the numbers on a digital clock except the hour. If the clock doesn’t say “7,” it’s not morning yet. I also have a friend who sets her sons alarm so he knows he can’t get out of bed until he hears music. I was too afraid that the music would wake our kids if they weren’t already awake so we opted out of this. This rule took some training but now all 3 kids abide by it (even the one that can’t tell time). Now, I’m guaranteed quiet time before the craziness of the day starts (if I get up in time). Tip: Room darkener shades are a must.
It also means they get their own breakfast on Saturday mornings and let us sleep in. - Do monthly date nights and yearly getaways. Or whatever time frame works for you so that you remember you still like your spouse.
- Don’t always let whether your kids “like it” or “want to” dictate your decisions. My kids aren’t thrilled about Stroller Strides or Mud Auctions or a lot of other things Patrick and I choose to do just like I’m not always giddy about another day on the playground. But frankly, they’re going to have to do a lot of things in life they don’t “like” or “want.” So why not start now?
- Create space for your kids. Newsflash. You can raise a successful, contributing member to society without 500 extracurriculars a week. Ok, so 500 is exaggerating. But seriously. We’ve been snowed in for almost a week…no school, no music class, no dance. While the walls are closing in since the kids haven’t been out of doors in 48 hours, there’s something refreshing about not being slave to the clock this week.
Can you relate to the French or are you an American through and through?
Just stumbled upon your blog.
As someone who is half-French and grew up with a French father, this sounds very familiar. I was never allowed to go in my parents' bedroom unless it was past a certain time, and I had to wait until their door was open. I went everywhere with them, even though I undoubtedly complained. I didn't have a choice! I had to exist in a grown-ups' world.
My baby is too young to have this enforced yet, but I hope to do it when she's old enough to understand.
Just stumbled upon your blog.
As someone who is half-French and grew up with a French father, this sounds very familiar. I was never allowed to go in my parents' bedroom unless it was past a certain time, and I had to wait until their door was open. I went everywhere with them, even though I undoubtedly complained. I didn't have a choice! I had to exist in a grown-ups' world.
My baby is too young to have this enforced yet, but I hope to do it when she's old enough to understand.
Wow, Melissa! That's really interesting! Since, as you and everyone around me knows, I am originally from Poland, I constantly see a difference in parenting between myself and my parents, and between myself and my husband. My parents and I both share the rule “No parents bedroom!” That goes also for at friends houses. There is absolutely no reason in my mind for a child to be in any adults bedroom. There is nothing interesting t play with there for them, and I like knowing also it can help keep her safe, because she can't break something of mine. The reason that rule became enforced by my husband, who was lax about it before, is when my diamond earrings and one of my ruby earrings (both gifts from now-deceased family members) came up missing and we couldn't say who did it since my daughter would play in my bedroom when I was expecting daddy to watch her. Now he gets it, No Parents Bedroom! Period!
My parents also believed that a child appreciating and understanding nature and caring for animals grows up more compassionate to the environment, God's creatures, and others. We take her camping & on hikes often. The weather's nasty? Bundle up.
One huge difference between my parents and myself is that dinner is to be eaten until you are full and that the dinner table SHOULD be filled with laughter. The difference between my hubby & I? I believe you eat at the table with the tv off. He believes in front of the tv with your feet on the coffee table is fine.
I wish we could do date night but he won't let it happen. It was so tough before that people would not even OFFER to babysit for us for anything, even doctors appointments, because he wouldn't let it happen. Recently, he started letting Emma do sleep overs and go to her god sisters house without us. Now, as soon as I am not nursing every hour and a half to 3 hours during the day, I am going to put my foot down and expect a date from him. Because the last few times we were alone, I really felt that lack of connection with him sans kids, and I don't want that.
This really made me open my eyes to some of the less positive sides of my two parenting personalities (I feel like I have multiple personality with it!). Thanks.