I know that social workers are pretty adamant about these things but please don’t project the worst case of identity crisis on your child just because he’s adopted. While I fully realize that adoption creates a lot of identity issues, I also know a population of adoptees who are happily adjusted, fully identified,* and hold no ill feelings about their adoption.
*feel secure in their identity independent of knowing anything about their biological family.
Just like in everything else, the unhappy group also makes up the loudest group making them seem much larger than they actually are.
That being said, make a concerted effort to keep a pulse on how your child is processing his story and how it relates to his identity.
From what I've been reading, a lot of the feelings surrounding the identity issues come from the environment they are surrounded with. School for example brings with it the feelings of confusion when asked to make a story about yourself from birth on. Also the presumption from classmates that if you are Asian you are good at karate or smarter than other races. Dating becomes an issue from Asian parents not wanting the “adopted kid” dating their child even though they are the same race to trying to decide if they are the race of their parents or the one they were born into. Some of these problems come from trying to join a group of non adopted kids of your race who have had the advantage of the cultural experiences within their families and the adopted kid realizing they don't fit there either. I have found that internationally adopted children in a family with siblings that are the birth children of the adoptive parents, the adopted kid feels different because they are different. Their history is different, they look different, they don't hear the statement “You look like your Mom or your Aunt Nancy.
Having said all that, I feel that this wonderful experience of holding your newly adopted child for the first time is one that I will never forget. Our family has been through many challenges with the 2 “gifts” we received from God and identity being the newest challenge. Even with the days of watching them struggle, seeing their Facebook hometown go from where they grew up to now being a city in Korea where they were born, I still cannot believe how blessed our family is with these 2 precious lives.
While I fully agree that it's great that adoptees are finding their voice, I never so felt so insecure in my identity as an adopted individual until I went through training to adopt our son. I heard all these things that supposedly all adopted individuals experience and feel but I didn't experience or feel any of them. I actually contacted as many adult adoptees I could think of and asked them their thoughts to make sure I wasn't an anomaly. I was relieved to find out I wasn't the only adoptee who didn't need extensive knowledge of or her biological family to feel whole or who didn't feel racially lost.
What I did see were parents who were terrified that they would never be enough for their adoptive child, who felt like failures before they even received a referral, and were paranoid about the emotions and identity issues their children would experience.
I like to reassure prospective parents that while their children could be like the ones in the intimidating videos, there is also hope that they won't be. I like them to know that experience the intense loss of grief of adoption doesn't always result in resentful, lost, scared individuals who largely populate the training videos we were shown in adoption training. I wish they would give voice to a more balanced adoptee population.
I agree with the spirit of the rest of the post, but not the wording. No two journeys are exactly the same so there's no guarantee that the “worst cast scenario” will happen in any particular family.
But I'm bothered by the comment: “Just like in everything else, the unhappy group also makes up the loudest group making them seem much larger than they actually are.”
I don't believe there are any statistics on whether the majority of the millions of adoptees in this country are “happy” or “unhappy.” Both experiences are valid. You know many adoptees who are “well-adjusted and happy”; I've personally spoken with many who have struggled with adoption issues (not counting the many who I've read about through the Internet or books). And I've already experienced some issues with our son who is 5 that I believe are solely tied to his being adopted.
The fact is for the first time in recent history, as far as I know, adoptees are beginning to speak out about their experiences. Many are saying that the attitudes and parenting skills of the past didn't work for them. Many are saying that they needed connection to birth culture and language, as well as needing help/acknowledgment from their parents that they didn't receive. Others are saying they didn't need that. What's great is that adoptees are finding their voices and speaking out. We, as adoptive parents, can learn so much from those who have been there.
While I don't think any parent should “project” the worst case scenario on their child, I think it's dangerous to “project” that your child will be happy and well-adjusted too. The fact is when these kids come home, it's impossible to know which kind of adoptee you'll have. That's why I think it's important to establish the foundation in adoption honesty, racial discussions, culture. and language. All of these can be adjusted as you get to know your child and as the child grows and expresses his/her feelings and needs. But it's very hard to start many of these things later in childhood, if the child even lets you know they are important to him.
“That being said, make a concerted effort to keep a pulse on how your child is processing his story and how it relates to his identity.” This, along with building a foundation in the mentioned above, I believe, is the heart of adoption parenting.
Thanks, Melissa for addressing this issue. Having a child(actually almost an adult) with just emerging identity issues has been a great surprise to us. It's very hard to watch as your child struggles to find some way to find the place to feel whole.