More often than not, adoptive parents are threatened by their child’s birthparents. Maybe their afraid the birthparents will try to “get the child back” or are afraid that a child with forsake a relationship with his adoptive parents for a relationship with his birthparents. Maybe they don’t approve of the influence birthparents might have on their child or their disgusted by the birthparents’ decisions.
To me, this goes back to that possessiveness issue. In a similar way that social workers are not the enemy, neither are birthmothers. I think we have entirely too little compassion for these women (and men) who birthed our children. I also think adoptive parents often minimize their child’s curiosity or need for impartial information or a relationship with his birthparents.
Aside: Let me pause here and acknowledge that there are extenuating circumstances where having a relationship with the birthparents is truly not safe. I am not suggesting you put your or your child in harm’s way.
As an adoptee, I never really felt a need to connect to my birthmother other than to reassure her that I was safe, healthy, and happy. That’s why I was surprised when I felt this aching emptiness for Ty when we brought him home that he would probably never have a relationship with his foster parents (whom he lived with for 18 months) or birthparents. While some parents specifically adopt internationally to effectively take the birthparents out of the picture, I find myself wishing Korea was much closer.
I would encourage you to get to know some birthmothers. They come with stories in all shapes and sizes. My prayer is that this will help you develop a compassion for these women and the torment they often live through everyday.
Be sensitive to your child. Some will feel a much deeper connection to their birthfamily than others. Either way, be the one to start the conversation and don’t let your child know that you’re threatened by the thought of talking about or even finding a member of her birthfamily.
Understand that in most cases, adoptees don’t wish to replace you with their birthfamily. It’s kind of like remembering that love multiplies. It doesn’t divide.
I adopted my daughter through domestic private adoption when she was 16 mos old. We have an open relationship with her birthparents, which all parties are happy about. It had been difficult at times to know that they miss her and to understand how they grieved when she came home with me. It would be easier to not think much about that, but on the other hand I feel the experience stretched me and helped me grow emotionally.
Open relationship doesn't mean we are in touch constantly but if we are at the zoo and and I take a cute photo I send it on right in that moment. The birthmom on ocassion will send a text to say she is thinking of us. We tend to call the birthfather on Sat or Sun morning because that is when my daughter might be thinking of him.
You're right. Most of my thoughts apply to infant or toddler adoption.
While I agree with much of your post regarding infant adoption, I think the situation is VERY different in older-child or foster adoption. Attachment with older adopted kids can be a full time job, and even a birthfamily that would be respectful of their birthchild's forever family can be a real stumbling block to healthy attachment. And, unfortunately, I don't know of any birthfamilies whose parental rights have been terminated who are remotely appropriate in their interactions with their no-longer-legally-related children, and I know of many who are actively harmful to the forever-parent/adopted child bond. I know you offered that important caveat about “harm,” but I think for foster-adopted children it is much more complex. Just food for thought.
Thanks!
This post by a birth mother is a good thing to read if one is trying to grow in compassion towards/learn more about how a birth mother might feel.
http://thechroniclesofmunchkin…