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Hi Melissa, I have been trying really hard to use the connected child principles with our new kids. I have also been watching the videos but have only gone through a handful. I am personally having bonding issues with my children which often creates a bad cycle of misbehavior for my kids and anger for me. Anyway, I have been trying to do “level of responses” (1) Whoa Nellie, do you want to try it again with respect? 2) two choices 3) think it over spot. One of my issues our 7 year old daughter throws a fit. To keep her with me when I am trying to teach school does not work. However, leaving her up in her room is not recommended. Should I stop everthing with my other kids and focus on her? Most of the time she seems to be trying to get attention. The other question is what do we do with willfull disobedience. When they hear and understand you but they choose to disobey (often with no remorse)? Are their other consequences that are recommended? We are also having trouble with lying and I am not sure what consequences I should give for that. It seems like the 3 level of responses do not work but I suppose it takes time. I guess that was 3 questions:) I understand why you become a trainer. I need to study this to understand it.
First, let me applaud you for recognizing and admitting that emotional connection to your kids from hard places is lacking. I wish more people would talk about that. It’s more common than folks care to admit, and it DOES NOT make you a bad mom and should not make you doubt your calling or ability. However, while you “fake it before you make it,” trust-based based parenting can be even harder than it already is. Find ways daily to renew your compassion for your kids. Remember how determined you felt when you first read their stories?
On fits. I know it’s really inconvenient but I get the kids busy with something independent and spend the time with the tantruming/dysregulated kid until their re-regulated. They may not show it right away but they are mentally logging your willingness to meet their needs. To avoid tantrums, work on identifying triggers and giving your child the words to identify her needs rather than using maladaptive stratgegies like tantrums. She may also need a predictable schedule of mom-one-on-one time. Maybe the first 5 minutes of every hour.
On willful disobedience. It’s often code for, “Will you still love me if I’m not perfect?” or it’s manipulative because she know it makes you dysregulated. The best thing is to keep having her do redos for quick obedience. Be sure to recognize quick obedience when it does happen. It’s easy to only notice the disobedience.
I like the way Adopting.org explain lying, stealing, and hoarding…
Lying or Stealing and Hoarding – Lying is a way of saying, “You can’t know me. I’m not going to tell you the truth about who I am because if I do, I’ve let you in. I will live in a world I can control because I’m the one in charge of what’s true and false.” Children will even lie about crazy things … like denying they took a whole roll of toilet paper and attempted to flush it down the toilet when the evidence is right there.
Stealing comes from a child’s belief that no one can meet his needs but him. It takes trust and vulnerability to ask for what he wants and needs from his adoptive parents. Instead, an adopted child may simply take it. Stealing can be a behavior that also satisfies a child’s desperate need for control over others.
Hoarding is a related behavior. Having lost their most important connection once, adopted children may respond by hiding stashes of candy, food or other objects they think will keep them safe. Older adopted children may also remember losing all their “stuff” when they were placed in an orphanage or foster home. With those losses in mind, they can obsessively cling to their new possessions like little misers. Hoarding also gives them a feeling of power and control – the bag of candy or box of food they’ve hidden is something the world can’t take away.
Again, rather than consequences such as removing privileges, focus on healing the underlying cause.
Any other thoughts out there?