Thoughts on the Russian adoption gone horribly wrong

It stinks that one person can ruin it for everyone else.  The recent return of a little boy to Russia and the subsequent suspension of Russian adoptions to U.S. homes is a perfect example. (I also hate how the general public’s opinion of adoption is based on media reports of failed adoptions but that’s another topic for another day.)

We could all be on the war path against Mrs. Hansen and others who have done the unimaginable or we could step back and make sure there’s no plank in our eye.

Let me be clear.  I am IN NO WAY condoning her actions.  I clearly understand why Russian officials are so upset, but…

Where was her support network?

Where was her agency?

Parenting is hard, difficult, stressful, tiring, exhausting, challenging, and draining when you start with a biological infant.  Add attachment issues, undesirable brain chemistry, abandonment, behavior disorders, and language barriers and starting at age 7, and parenting becomes almost an impossibility.  Actually it is an impossibility without training, support, more training, more support, and God’s grace.

As a parent who has 2 biological children and 1 child adopted as a toddler, I have been in places where I can empathize with what Mrs. Hansen may have been feeling when she made the terrible decision to put her son on a plane.  I also think the situation was preventable.

Nothing in parenting can prepare you for the challenge of bonding and disciplining a child at the same time–especially a child who doesn’t speak your language.

In our case, there’s nothing to differentiate between normal toddler issues, being-born-at-25-weeks-at-just-a-pound issues and adoption-related issues.  As a Type A, control freak, that’s really hard for me.

The story of Justin Hansen is a point-in-case for why training and support for adoptive parents is non-negotiable.  Training can’t be relegated to pre-adoption requirements and support can’t end after 6 months.  Agencies can’t always be there but the community (and the Church) can.

If you’re not an adoptive parent, here are some ways that you can support your community members that are:

1.  Make meals.  Clean.  Any time they don’t have to be doing housework is undivided time they can be spending with my child.

2.  Educate yourselves about adoption stuff (i.e., attachment, bonding, the process).  Don’t rely on mainstream media.  We all know how well they tell the truth.

3.  Babysit or entertain other children in the family.

4.  Be a listening, non-judgemental ear.

5. Pray. Pray. Pray some more.

If you’re an adoptive parent or are thinking about adoption:

1.  Don’t let this story scare you away.  Go out and find 10 positive stories for every negative one you hear.

2.  Connect with other adoptive parents.  They don’t have your exact story but adoptive (and foster) moms get “it” like other can’t.

3.  Be friends with your social worker.  They’re not out to find faults in you so they can disrupt your family, they’re there to make you successful.

4.  Be honest about your struggles.  You’ll be surprised to find you’re not alone.