This is kind of a post-in-progress. We find ourselves with a strong-willed child from a hard place in our home. I’m hoping there are more of you out there.
For our purposes, I’m going to define the key words like this:
Strong-willed: Thrives on conflict. Has difficulty obeying right away…ever. Always fights to be “right.”
From a hard place: A child who was abuses/neglected, had a stressful prenatal or birth experience, has had multiple primary caregivers. These children have deep-seeded insecurities that are often communicated through acting out and whose brains do not process high-level, cause-effect discipline in a way that it modifies their behavior. In fact, traditional discipline may exacerbate negative behavior.
If you can identify with these terms, what has worked or is working for you? Books, techniques, websites, forums, therapies?
Ready, set, comment!
Thanks for sharing. We’ve been home for about 2 ½ years now so maybe yours wasn’t as strong willed as you thought!
Oooh – the title of this intrigued me! One of ours is very strong-willed – to where I just thought it was ridiculous. For us, it wasn't a book (since I didn't know of any when they first came home). It was a TON of consistency. Way more than I thought necessary!!!! It was incredible how they continued to do what they weren't supposed to if they knew there was consequences. :/ I started to put together that they had never seen consistency before. And that they must not trust us enough yet, if they didn't think we'd follow through with withholding a privilege and the like. So sad, really. Now they are far more regulated, more trusting, more compliant and happier. But it is so hard when you know they have a tough background. It's been a year and a half since they came home. But recently, I feel like it's “clicking” in their heads. (And I love it!) I may check out some of those books for the future, though!
Neuro reorganization and a therapist who really gets what it means to raise a child from a “hard place.” This isn't always easy to find. Lots of good info on A4everFamily.org.
I just found a FANTASTIC book. It is “The Explosive Child” by Ross Greene (http://www.amazon.com/Explosiv…. Don't let the title scare you off, it is a great book. We also sought out our local IAC and started seeing a child development specialist.
That is a rough spot to be, for both child and parent. And very very draining. From a “I've BTDT” mom to another, take time for yourself as well so you can be recharged.
I'm a veteran of an adopted child,well adult now, that you know very well, Melissa. We tried all sorts of things including evaluation at 4 different places. And now at 23 yrs old, we still have questions. The thing I noticed, as a child, that she needed to ramp up her screams, anger, fear even for the littlest things. It's as if this behavior was so ingrained in her that it became a habit to use at anytime she felt threatened, thwarted or fearful. There was a technique that was used back then for this type of traumatized child. Not sure if it is still used but it worked for us. We would hold her in an embrace that would not let her go till she raged on and on and then emotionally spent, she could be spoken to about her behavior. She frequently would be able to listen to correction at that point in a calm manner. It's not a cure all but it diffused some exhausting rages. Even though she's 23 the behavior can still be seen and now we just ignore some of it and also make her recognize what she's doing. Hang in there! You are doing a great job with him!
Tough one. Hugs 🙂 I don't have a lot of advice but here are some simple things. OT can be great. There are lots of OT activities you can do at home. See books by Carol Kranowitz http://www.amazon.com/Out—Sy…
Don't allow yourself to get into arguments. You as the parent make the rules and some things aren't up for discussion. Try visuals to help illustrate consequences – we like the charts from Doorposts (http://www.doorposts.com/detai… Lots of practice and role-playing of good behaviors or consequences for bad behaviors. (My kids love role-playing!) Use music throughout the day to create a positive atmosphere (I love quiet classical). Lots of fresh air and exercise, absolutely eliminate any food dyes and corn syrup, limit sugar. Maybe you already do a lot of these things?
I'd love to know if you're seeing an improvement. It seems along the line of Neuro-reorganization which I have also considered.
We are currently doing NDD therapy and Listening Therapy (LiFT) with Anna Buck at http://www.annashousellc.com. Both of our girls (6 and7) were adopted at birth but we've encountered various sensory, behavioral and learning disabilities. We are still very much in process, but have hope that God has led us to new place. With our youngest we did three years of OT for sensory but were basically coping. With the oldest, we tried vision therapy to deal with learning challenges but aborted that in favor or pursuing the NDD therapy. NDD is more developmental in nature and works with brainstem vs. mid brain.