This is the fourth post in a series that answers the questions you asked. To read the rest of the series, click here.
I apologize that the answers to your fab questions have rolled out quite as quickly as I imagined. Thanks for your patience.
Our son is almost 5 and in thinking about adopting again, it seems likely that another child would be older. Our social worker cautioned us against adopting out of “birth” order. I’d love to hear of your experience and opinion.
Birth order is a hot topic in the adoption world. Whenever a child is introduced to a family, the birth order is altered. With a traditional, biological family, the baby is always the child displaced. However, in adoptive families, children can also be adopted into the middle of the birth order or so that the oldest is displaced.
When we adopted Ty, we wanted to adopt a waiting child but we also felt strongly about preserving PJ as our oldest because of his alpha male tendencies. By the time we were filling out our application to adopt from Ethiopia, we felt God calling us to be open to anything. We discussed at length with PJ about being displaced as oldest. He agreed he wanted to be open to what God had for our family. Because we have been actively involved with high school ministry, the kids weren’t strangers to teens and were excited about the possibility of having some come live with us.
The interesting thing is that John, Kayla, and Grace have more trouble with the birth order than PJ. He has a lot of privileges (and responsibilities) that the older three haven’t earned yet. Additionally, he’s still academically ahead of them. All three older kids have really struggled with not being treated just like him. Basically it’s REALLY HARD to be 12 to 15 physically and 2 to 4 emotionally.
We are blessed that God sent us an older boy who is the polar opposite of PJ which lets PJ retain his alpha male status. Grace, however, has a strong, fighter personality which as collided with PJ on multiple occasions. I’m not sure how normal this is in large families but on any given day there is probably one pair of siblings who are at odds with each other.
I would love to known some tips for getting your young children ready for the adoption of an older child. We adopted Taylor through domestic infant adoption 4 years ago, she is 4. Now in 1 month we will be bringing home Ruth who is 7 from Haiti(well we leave on May 29 for the first 2-4 day trip and the 2nd one when we bring her home is scheduled for June 29).
Expectations. A lot of adoption struggles are rooted in false or failed expectations. With your girls being so close in age, it is possible they will act closer in age than expected. I would also be prepared to explain to Taylor in age-appropriate language how much Ruth will need you and why. Be sure to explain that amount of time spent with you does NOT correlate to how much you love on or the other. Help both girls daily identify ways you have made them feel loved and accepted. Encourage Taylor to have a servant attitude toward Ruth. It is likely her acts of kindness will be under-appreciated or even met with unkindness so make sure she’s prepared for that too. We’ll be praying for your family as your prepare for your second trip. Keep us updated!
Any other thoughts and opinions on adopting out of birth order?