What I Learned from Adopting Teenagers

I wanted to publish a post like this on Monday (Airplane Day for John and Kayla), but I was had been waiting all night in the ER for psych bed for one of the other kids. That’s a story for another post, but you can keep our family in your prayers. This has been a long summer with little help in sight.

Three years ago, on August 24, 2012, we welcomed 2 Ethiopian teenagers. We didn’t go in blind, but, in hindsight, we were naive about things we didn’t know we didn’t know.

1. Don’t underestimate culture differences. Whether it be Ethiopian versus American or institution versus family, the culture clash is real. We’ve heard everything from, “Parents are just there to give children what they want,” to “Friends can only be your exact age and you have to spend all of your free time with them,” to “Only the crazy, naked people are mentally ill.”
2. I am triggered by non-confident males. Wish I knew why. I’m sure the Eldridges would have something profound to say here. Insecure males (especially the one I’m raising) make me want to poke them (proverbially of course) until they show some kind of masculinity. Treating a trauma child this way, of course, goes against every trust-based parenting resource ever created. Welcome to my daily struggle.
3. I still have anger issues from my childhood. Don’t laugh. My childhood trigger was chores. Mom would ask me to go straighten my room, and I would fly into rages that lasted for hours and included laying on the bottom bunk in my room and lifting up the top bunk with my feet and letting it crash back to the floor to create the loudest noise possible and kicking the walls as hard as I could. If you’ve been to my house, you know that I still haven’t gotten over my loath for cleaning. I did, however, think I outgrew my anger issues. By middle school, I no longer remember long tantrums. Then we brought home hurt kids. Apparently I had just suppressed said issues. On that note, if anyone knows a good dry wall guy…apparently I’m stronger now than when I was 6 and kicking walls makes holes.
4. Adoption is about sanctifying the parents (See #2 and #3). Children just get families in the process.
5. It’s a marathon. Cognitively I knew this. The problem is that when you’re managing the daily challenges, 3 years feels like a marathon, but it’s really only half the sprint. When we brought Ty home, we would tell people that we were waiting to get to equilibrium with him (when the time with us finally started to outweigh the time away from us). Folks would joke and say, “How does that apply if you bring home a teenager?” I would nervously laugh and respond, “I’m sure it’s a little different then.” I WAS WRONG. When I look at some of the paradigms I’m up against every day and talk to parents who are further down the road than us, I am realizing that the equilibrium rule probably applies to teenagers too. That means we still have a decade to go before we may start to feel on solid footing in terms of trust with our older kids.
6. There aren’t resources for internationally adopted, older kids. Most ESL resources are either for itty bitties or adults. The types of experiences they need (because they missed), they are usually too old for. I’m talking field trip opportunities, enrichment classes, sports teams, etc. Heaven forbid they actually have a learning disability or processing disorder. No one will talk to us about it until they’ve been home for at least 3 to 5 years (what is considered the standard adjustment period) which is a shame because by then they will be considered adults and then they won’t qualify for the services they needed all along.
7. Having teens hanging around is equally as rewarding as it is annoying. As I was headed to bed last night, I looked out at our living room and saw our two oldest hanging out with the young adult who is living with us (kids aging out of foster care will be an upcoming post as well). They were joking around while eating dinner, watching football, and folding laundry. I have to hang on to those grace-filled moments to get out of bed each morning.
8. God’s Grace is real. Instead of feeling like the longer we’re on this journey, the better we get at it, I just realize more and more everyday how ill-equipped I am to be doing this (See #4). The fact that John and Kayla are doing as well as they are–despite my triggers and imperfections–is evidence to me that it’s really all God anyway.

In whatever your walk of life, what are you learning these days?