You guys ask hard good questions. I’m going to answer them the best I can as things stand now. DISCLAIMER: If you ask them again in 6 months, the answers may be different. I’m also going to milk this Q&A thing by answering one or two questions at a time.
We adopted three children – totally out of order. The youngest first, the middle in the middle and the oldest most recently. The oldest and the youngest are (for right now) about the same age emotionally – and most of our struggles between them are a result of the “alpha/oldest/knows the most issue. What to do???
We have huge competition issues. Most of ours are a result of our alpha male being younger than three of the kids. Ironically our biggest issues are our big kids resenting their little alpha brother.
First, understand that for kids from hard places being right is equivalent to one’s self-worth. When untangling who is correct, if you dare go down that trap-filled path, be sure to reassure both parties that they are loved and valued. During non-heated times, be sure spend time pointing out positive characteristics or actions of each of your kids and encourage them to encourage each other. We used to play a game every morning where each child drew a sibling’s name from a basket and had to say something they loved or appreciated about that person.
On a practical level, when an argument ensues, help your kids practice how to end an argument rather than engaging. I tell my kids they may say, “That’s interesting but …” The other party may say, “Okay” and walk away. I also find myself saying “If you’re not saying <insert something positive>, then I should not hear your voice.” It’s a slight twist on the “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” A lot of my kids don’t have a lot of practice saying nice things so I have to give a positive alternative.
For example, my alpha child has a habit of correcting our non-native speaking children’s English. If I hear it, I say, “If you’re not saying ‘That was a great sentence,’ then I should not hear your voice.”
Any other tidbits of advice for those of us with strong alphas in the house?